So....

[jon-nyc]

I was having sex with my friend’s wife and her phone rang. I recognized his voice so I started quietly getting dressed. She hung up and said “it’s ok, we have time. He’s out having drinks with you”.

[jon-nyc]

So…. I had a prostate exam yesterday.

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train.

[George K]

A German got pulled over by the police in France.

Police officer: “Name?”

German: “Heinrich Klimt”

Police officer: “Age?”

German: “31”

Police officer: “occupation?”

German: “No, no. Just visiting”

[jon-nyc]

When I win the lottery I’m giving money to Charity.

If she’s not dancing that night I’ll give it to Destiny.

[jon-nyc]

I once felt like a boy trapped in a girl’s body.

Then I was born.

[jon-nyc]

Millennials: Walking around like they rent the place.

[jon-nyc]

There may be no "I" in team, but there's a "U" in suck.

[jon-nyc]

This morning I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

[Larry]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

This morning I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I got my toothpaste and my Preparation H mixed up....

I still can't open my mouth, but my butthole is minty fresh..

[George K]

@larry said in So....:

my butthole is minty fresh..

Is that what Aqua's sister told you?

[jon-nyc]

I must have asked 50 people what LGBTQ+ stands for. So far nobody has given me a straight answer.

[jon-nyc]

My superpower is proofreading skills.

After I hit 'send'.

[jon-nyc]

The next time you hate your life, remember it's all about perspective. I have a friend who exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and has sex 2-3 times a day, yet he complains about how much he hates prison.

[jon-nyc]

I went into a burger joint for lunch today and the woman behind the counter had a badge on her left breast that said Pat.

To make a long story short, I am now banned from Burger King.

[Larry]

If you drop a chocolate chip cookie on the floor and stoop down to pick it up, that counts as a squat, right?

[jon-nyc]

@larry said in So....:

If you drop a chocolate chip cookie on the floor and stoop down to pick it up, that counts as a squat, right?

Or a lunge if you have to beat the dog to it.

[jon-nyc]

When I meet a woman I try to see what’s in her heart.

It’s not my fault her tits are in the way.

[Larry]

I asked my dog what 2 minus 2 was.

He said nothing.

[jon-nyc]

Nervous of flying? Don't be.

As long as the 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while travelling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the Earth's surface, you'll be absolutely fine.

[jon-nyc]

I read somewhere that a million people get sick every year from eating tainted beef.

Who the fuck is putting their taint on the beef anyway?