So....
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What does sex and the military have in common?
You end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money when you pull out at the wrong time….
(Maybe too soon)
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wrote on 19 Aug 2021, 05:34 last edited by
I tried drag racing the other day.
It was BRUTAL running in those heels......
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wrote on 19 Aug 2021, 05:35 last edited by
So...
I was captured by a mime...
He did unspeakable things to me....
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wrote on 23 Aug 2021, 17:08 last edited by
I don’t always roll a joint.
But when I do it’s my ankle.
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wrote on 4 Sept 2021, 08:08 last edited by
So I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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wrote on 4 Sept 2021, 23:36 last edited by
When I was younger, I thought "Drink Responsibly" meant don't spill it.
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wrote on 5 Sept 2021, 01:49 last edited by
In retrospect, hiding the microchips in the horse dewormer was brilliant.
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wrote on 5 Sept 2021, 04:36 last edited by
The women of king Arthur’s court must have been happy….
….they Camelot.
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wrote on 9 Sept 2021, 23:48 last edited by
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkhesaurus.
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wrote on 9 Sept 2021, 23:50 last edited by
I went to a zoo the other day.
It only had one animal.
A dog.
It was a shitzu.
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wrote on 10 Sept 2021, 00:13 last edited by
So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"
I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet."
Everyone laughed . . . well, everyone except this one guy.
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wrote on 10 Sept 2021, 13:28 last edited by
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one: they are very efficient and have no sense of humour.
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wrote on 11 Sept 2021, 15:23 last edited by
I just turned wine into vomit.
Your move, Jesus.
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wrote on 11 Sept 2021, 17:56 last edited by
Did you hear about Xerox and Wurlitzer merging? They are going to focus on reproductive organs.
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wrote on 13 Sept 2021, 09:11 last edited by
I went on a blind date once.
It didn’t start out that way but the bitch brought pepper spray.
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wrote on 18 Sept 2021, 16:10 last edited by
I dipped my ball in glitter this morning.
Pretty nuts.
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
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wrote on 19 Sept 2021, 15:43 last edited by
It’s an unusual time we’re living in.
Safe at last.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
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wrote on 21 Sept 2021, 02:17 last edited by
Male bees die after mating.
That's basically their life.
Honey, nut, cheerio.
