So....
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I don’t always roll a joint.
But when I do it’s my ankle.
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So I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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In retrospect, hiding the microchips in the horse dewormer was brilliant.
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I just turned wine into vomit.
Your move, Jesus.
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Did you hear about Xerox and Wurlitzer merging? They are going to focus on reproductive organs.
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I went on a blind date once.
It didn’t start out that way but the bitch brought pepper spray.
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It’s an unusual time we’re living in.
Safe at last.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.