So....
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Not to brag or anything, but every time I go to the store the cashiers check me out.
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I was this close to buying a Bugatti Veyon but no cup holder is a total dealbreaker so I got my Corolla instead.
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If I had $.50 for every math exam I ever failed, I’d have $8.40
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People need to understand that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" was written in a different time even if the idea of being at someone else's house is shocking to us today.
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I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
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Husband: My but you’re beautiful
Waitress: why thank you sir.
Wife: Why don’t you tell her about your erectile dysfunction, Jim?
Husband: Of course, where are my manners? Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction, her name is Margaret.
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Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear.
Me: Sure, I’ll have a beer.
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When I’m with my Spanish speaking friends I like to say “mucho”.
It means a lot to them.
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I bought a new porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of a fat guy holding his dong.
Then I realized the TV wasn't on.
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The car salesman told me “this car will hold five people without any problems”.
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find five people without any problems.”
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Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.
