So....
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wrote on 28 Nov 2020, 00:33 last edited by
So today my wife said "every morning before he leaves the house for work, our neighbor makes love to his wife. Why can't you do that?"
I said "well, if you insist.. But I don't really know the woman all that much....."
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 03:19 last edited by
Due to Covid the 7 Dwarfs have been told that they cannot get together as a group this Christmas.
One of them is not Happy.....
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 03:21 last edited by
So the interviewer says...
"Sir, can you perform under pressure?"I said "No, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody ....."
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 10:36 last edited by
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
"Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: "Who fucked up your hair
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 13:31 last edited by
We just found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than my grandmother.
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 14:59 last edited by
"What did the horse say to the other horse when he fell down?"
"I don't know. What?"
"Help. I've fallen and I can't giddy-up."
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 18:37 last edited by
My Korean friend died today...
Soh Yung...
It’s tough to lose a Seoul mate...
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who gave birth to a black baby?
They named it Sum Ting Wong...
Ho Lee Fuk
I remember him. I sold him a baby grand for his daughter Yu Wan......
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wrote on 30 Nov 2020, 05:06 last edited by
Not to brag or anything, but every time I go to the store the cashiers check me out.
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wrote on 3 Dec 2020, 12:14 last edited by
I was this close to buying a Bugatti Veyon but no cup holder is a total dealbreaker so I got my Corolla instead.
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 01:39 last edited by
If I had $.50 for every math exam I ever failed, I’d have $8.40
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 02:57 last edited by
So.... the difference between me AndyD is that when I say "I blew a tranny" I'm having car trouble....
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 02:59 last edited by
My neighbor accidentally shot his wife through her nipple.
Tore her kneecap plumb off....
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 03:02 last edited by
So.. I was in a bar last night when the bartender shouted "Anyone here know CPR?"
I shouted "I do!! In fact, I know the whole alphabet!!"Everybody in the place laughed... except for this one guy.....
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 03:08 last edited by
So I told my wife about seeing a man get thrown under a bus today.
She said "oh my! Was it moving?"
I said "a few people cried, but I was ok.."
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 03:11 last edited by
So.. I won a million dollars in the lottery today.
I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $999,999.75....
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wrote on 13 Dec 2020, 04:46 last edited by
People need to understand that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" was written in a different time even if the idea of being at someone else's house is shocking to us today.
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wrote on 13 Dec 2020, 15:16 last edited by
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
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wrote on 13 Dec 2020, 18:44 last edited by Larry
My cousin quit his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic.
He said he hadn't had a raise in years...