So....
-
A have real problems with speed bumps.
But I’ve been getting over them slowly.
-
I got a new blindfold.
But I couldn’t see myself wearing it.
-
@Doctor-Phibes said in So....:
What are the odds that two completely independent sources would post such shit jokes?
England has a new missile they named Civil Servant.
It doesn't work and nobody can fire it.
-
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
-
-
Sometimes at parties I walk up to people I don’t know, look them in the eye, and say “I just want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”
-
Two rednecks were sitting on their porch, shooting the breeze, when a big flatbed went by with a full load of sod on it.
“I’m gonna do that once I win the lottery, Cletus."
“Do what, Jim?”
“Send my lawn out to get mowed.”
-
-
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
-
So....
Bubba was driving down the road drinking a beer when he spotted a police roadblock up ahead. He thought "oh crap, if I get caught with an open beer I'll be in a lot of trouble."
Suddenly his eyes lit up, and he pulled off to the side of the road, finished drinking the beer, then peeled the label off the bottle and stuck it to his forehead, threw the bottle under his seat, and drove on up to the roadblock.
A police officer looked at him and said "have you been drinking?"
Bubba pointed to his forehead and said "nope! I'm on the patch......"
-
-
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
.
.
.This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
-
Eye doctor: Your test results came in.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Ah, probably not.
-
My wife sent me a picture of her in her new jeans and asked if they made her butt look too big.
I tried to say “Noooo” but autocorrect changed it to “Moooo.”
Please send help.
-
So....
I was at Walmart buying a boat of dog food. As I stood there, in line, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What? Why else would I be buying dog food?
So, on impulse, I told her, "No, I don't have a dog. I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because the last time I did it, I lost 50 lb before I woke up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of various orifices, and IVs in both arms."
I said, "It's essentially a perfect diet. All you do is load your pockets with kibble, and simply eat one or two when you feel hungry. The food is nutrionally complete, so it works really well, and I'm going to try it again."
I should add that by now, everyone in line is enthralled by my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the ICU because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her, "No! I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass, and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
-
So I took the battery out of my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy.
-
The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you, sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Billings, Montana."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."
"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
-
Death
-
Taxes
-
Being screwed by a lawyer
-
