So....

[Larry]

My wife told me she needed more space.

So... I locked her out of the house...

[Larry]

THE THREE UNWRITTEN RULES ABOUT MARRIAGE:

[Larry]

"Mr. Smith, I'm calling to tell you that your wife is in the hospital. I'm sorry, but she's critical."

"Damn... what's she complaining about this time?"....

[Larry]

"My wife and I had a huge fight the other night, but in the end she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"Wow.. that's impressive! What did she say?"

"Get out from under that bed, you cowardly son of a bitch!".....

[Larry]

So.. I asked my wife why brides at weddings were always dressed in white.

She said "Because she's happy. It's the happiest day of her life."

So I said "is that why the groom is always dressed in black?"

[Larry]

I got so pissed off at my car's GPS system the other day that I yelled at it and told it to go to hell

2 hours later I pulled up in front of my mother in law's house....

[jon-nyc]

God said unto John, “Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.”

But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

[Larry]

So... times are A little hard right now so I will be selling nude photos of myself to make some extra money.

5 dollars each if you want one.

25 dollars if you don't...

[jon-nyc]

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.

[Klaus]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.

Does this website look familiar to you?

[jon-nyc]

Ha. No.

[Klaus]

Well, both of the jokes you posted today are from the top three jokes on this site.

[Doctor Phibes]

What are the odds that two completely independent sources would post such shit jokes?

[jon-nyc]

A have real problems with speed bumps.

But I’ve been getting over them slowly.

[jon-nyc]

I got a new blindfold.

But I couldn’t see myself wearing it.

[Larry]

@Doctor-Phibes said in So....:

What are the odds that two completely independent sources would post such shit jokes?

England has a new missile they named Civil Servant.

It doesn't work and nobody can fire it.

[George K]

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: “Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

[xenon]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, girls would find me attractive.

[George K]

@xenon

[jon-nyc]

Sometimes at parties I walk up to people I don’t know, look them in the eye, and say “I just want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”