So....
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wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 15:36 last edited by
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said: “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 190 pounds, is soft-spoken and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protested: “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied: “Yes, but who wants HIM back?” -
wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:05 last edited by
So...my doctor says I have Irish constipation...
I can't pass a bar..
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wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:06 last edited by
My wife said "I don't like your constipation jokes"..
I told her I didn't give a shit..
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wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:09 last edited by
So.. I went to a feminist rally the other day.
Came back with my shirt ironed, carrying a sammich.
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wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:20 last edited by
Stress is when you have a house payment, a boat payment, a wife, and a girlfriend...... and all 4 of them are late....
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wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 19:02 last edited by
"I went to a petting zoo the other day."
That was an elementary school, Joe...."
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wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 19:05 last edited by
"Momma always said, 'life is like a box of... you know... the thing......' "
Forrest Biden
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wrote on 14 Sept 2020, 16:12 last edited by
I just watched Jaws backwards.
It’s a heartwarming story about a shark who gives limbs to the disabled.
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wrote on 15 Sept 2020, 20:35 last edited by
So.... I'm going to open a flower shop. I'm going to call it....
Florist Gump...
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wrote on 15 Sept 2020, 20:35 last edited by
Then a bakery...
Bread Pitt
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wrote on 16 Sept 2020, 20:01 last edited by
No, you haven't gained that much weight during quarantine. Come on - chin up!
..... No, the other one....
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wrote on 16 Sept 2020, 20:17 last edited by
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 13:39 last edited by
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's.
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" says the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 23:05 last edited by
I finally asked this girl I’m dating how she liked sex.
She said “I like it infrequently”.
So I said, “Is that one word or two?”
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 23:45 last edited by
So... Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open..
17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from.....
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 23:46 last edited by
If a prostitute in a cat house has a baby, is it called a brothel sprout?
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wrote on 20 Sept 2020, 17:43 last edited by
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. And, he never, ever forgot to put the seat down. He wasn't like me,” he continued. “I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I made the mistake of marrying his widow.”
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 02:57 last edited by
So.. today, Joe Biden said "If you thought the Republican convention was exciting, just wait until we have ours!"
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 16:49 last edited by
So... I tried to remarry my ex wife once..
But she figured out that I was only after my money....
