So....
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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's.
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" says the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
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I finally asked this girl I’m dating how she liked sex.
She said “I like it infrequently”.
So I said, “Is that one word or two?”
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. And, he never, ever forgot to put the seat down. He wasn't like me,” he continued. “I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I made the mistake of marrying his widow.”
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God said unto John, “Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.”
But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
