So....
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wrote on 13 Aug 2020, 04:34 last edited by
My neighbor's wife has a whale tattoo on her ass. It used to be a porpoise.
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wrote on 14 Aug 2020, 22:00 last edited by
I guess we all have personal hang ups about our appearance.
Personally my worry is that one of my balls is bigger than the other two.
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wrote on 15 Aug 2020, 00:04 last edited by
I was so disappointed when I heard they won't be making yardsticks any longer....
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 15:33 last edited by
Doctor: "How many fingers now?"
Me: "this just isn't how I envisioned a prostate exam worked..."
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 15:36 last edited by
They said schizophrenia is an illness And I should take medication.
But look who's over here and not lonely during the covid19 lockdown!.....
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 15:41 last edited by
A guy walks up to a pretty girl standing next to the jukebox. "Wow - great thong!"
She slaps him in the face and walks off.
The guy says.... "Thorry... wath it thomething i thaid?"....
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 15:59 last edited by
Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.
Just release a new iPhone every year.
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 16:00 last edited by
Did Charles Darwin die of natural causes?
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 16:06 last edited by
Joe Biden was all excited. His test came back negative.
Not even Kamala Harris has the heart to tell him he had taken an IQ test.
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wrote on 18 Aug 2020, 20:02 last edited by
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wrote on 22 Aug 2020, 09:34 last edited by
My wife says I have two faults.
I don’t listen and something else.
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wrote on 22 Aug 2020, 13:53 last edited by
Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
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wrote on 22 Aug 2020, 17:41 last edited by
I don't get it.... every w/o an likes to be swept off her feet...
But the minute you try to stuff her in the trunk.......
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wrote on 22 Aug 2020, 17:49 last edited by
Are people in Wal-Mart called Walmartians?
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wrote on 24 Aug 2020, 21:55 last edited by
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me.
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wrote on 27 Aug 2020, 16:20 last edited by jon-nyc
Life lesson #843.
"Analogy" is NOT the study of buttholes.
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wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:05 last edited by
So.. my wife yelled down from upstairs and asked "do you ever get shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?
I said "Nope."
She said "......How about now?........"
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wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:19 last edited by
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:25 last edited by Larry 9 Jul 2020, 13:26
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom just as his grandma was getting out of the shower. He pointed and said "Grandma, what's that?" His grandma says "Little Johnny, that's my beaver."
The next day little Johnny walked into the bathroom just as his mother was getting out of the shower. He points and says "Mommy, that's your beaver!"
His mother says "That's correct Johnny. How did you know?"
Little Johnny says "Because grandma has one too!...... But I think here's is dead, because its tongue is hanging out...."