So....
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently. And conducting himself properly.
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My neighbor's wife has a whale tattoo on her ass. It used to be a porpoise.
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I guess we all have personal hang ups about our appearance.
Personally my worry is that one of my balls is bigger than the other two.
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I was so disappointed when I heard they won't be making yardsticks any longer....
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Doctor: "How many fingers now?"
Me: "this just isn't how I envisioned a prostate exam worked..."
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They said schizophrenia is an illness And I should take medication.
But look who's over here and not lonely during the covid19 lockdown!.....
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A guy walks up to a pretty girl standing next to the jukebox. "Wow - great thong!"
She slaps him in the face and walks off.
The guy says.... "Thorry... wath it thomething i thaid?"....
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Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.
Just release a new iPhone every year.
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Did Charles Darwin die of natural causes?
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Joe Biden was all excited. His test came back negative.
Not even Kamala Harris has the heart to tell him he had taken an IQ test.
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My wife says I have two faults.
I don’t listen and something else.
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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
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I don't get it.... every w/o an likes to be swept off her feet...
But the minute you try to stuff her in the trunk.......
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Are people in Wal-Mart called Walmartians?
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Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me.
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Life lesson #843.
"Analogy" is NOT the study of buttholes.
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So.. my wife yelled down from upstairs and asked "do you ever get shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?
I said "Nope."
She said "......How about now?........"
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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