So....
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Did you hear about the guy who got a second job as a cook in a pizza joint?
He kneaded the dough.
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So…. I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first few days were the hardest.
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Me: Triple whiskey straight please
Barista: Sir, this is Starbucks
Me: Jesus Christ, ok, Venti Whiskey then.
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ATTENTION! I've decided to get some new pronouns and will announce them whenever I am asked for them. From now on, my pronouns are "that cunt". In case you are unfamiliar with those particular pronouns, here's a helpful guide to how to use them. Please be respectful of them.
"Is Simon at work today?"
"Yes, I saw that cunt in the canteen earier""Where does Simon sit?"
"That cunt is right in front of the reception desk after you come in." -
My body is a temple.
Ancient, crumbling, cursed, and probably haunted.
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Apparently it’s helpful to pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain.
My apologies to the woman at Waffle House.
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving along the road together - Heisenberg is driving.
After a time, they are stopped by a traffic cop. Heisenberg pulls over, and the cop comes up to the driver's window.
“Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?” asks the cop.
“No” replies Heisenberg “but I know precisely where I am”
“You were doing 70.” says the cop
“Great!” says Heisenberg “Now we're lost!”
The cop thinks this is very strange behaviour and so he decides to inspect the vehicle. After a time he comes back to the driver's window and says “Do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?”
“Well, now we do!!” yells Schrodinger.
The cop thinks this is all too weird, so he proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists.
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There's a new guy at work named Wayne Bruce, and I said "Ah, my old nemesis ManBat.
Nobody got the reference. I'm wasted here. Not all capes wear heroes.
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So, and Englishman, an Italian and a Frenchman are arguing what the word "panache" means.
The Englishman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me!"
The Italian says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on!"
The Frenchman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on! And he does."
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Someone has ripped the fifth month out of my calendar.
I am dismayed.
It’s always something.
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I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it's the fridge.
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
