So....
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wrote on 29 Feb 2024, 18:10 last edited by
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
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wrote on 3 Mar 2024, 12:38 last edited by
I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.
I was a total flop...and nobody came.
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wrote on 3 Mar 2024, 18:59 last edited by
Did you hear about the guy who got a second job as a cook in a pizza joint?
He kneaded the dough.
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wrote on 7 Mar 2024, 23:05 last edited by
So…. I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first few days were the hardest.
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wrote on 10 Mar 2024, 03:34 last edited by
Me: Triple whiskey straight please
Barista: Sir, this is Starbucks
Me: Jesus Christ, ok, Venti Whiskey then.
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wrote on 10 Mar 2024, 19:32 last edited by
ATTENTION! I've decided to get some new pronouns and will announce them whenever I am asked for them. From now on, my pronouns are "that cunt". In case you are unfamiliar with those particular pronouns, here's a helpful guide to how to use them. Please be respectful of them.
"Is Simon at work today?"
"Yes, I saw that cunt in the canteen earier""Where does Simon sit?"
"That cunt is right in front of the reception desk after you come in." -
wrote on 12 Mar 2024, 22:34 last edited by
Knock Knock!!
Who’s there?
Hike
Hike who?
Unsuspecting son.
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap. -
wrote on 17 Mar 2024, 11:39 last edited by
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"
I said, "No. Is that still required?"
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wrote on 17 Mar 2024, 14:51 last edited by
My body is a temple.
Ancient, crumbling, cursed, and probably haunted.
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wrote on 22 Mar 2024, 11:32 last edited by
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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wrote on 24 Mar 2024, 19:16 last edited by
Apparently it’s helpful to pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain.
My apologies to the woman at Waffle House.
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wrote on 25 Mar 2024, 23:37 last edited by George K
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving along the road together - Heisenberg is driving.
After a time, they are stopped by a traffic cop. Heisenberg pulls over, and the cop comes up to the driver's window.
“Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?” asks the cop.
“No” replies Heisenberg “but I know precisely where I am”
“You were doing 70.” says the cop
“Great!” says Heisenberg “Now we're lost!”
The cop thinks this is very strange behaviour and so he decides to inspect the vehicle. After a time he comes back to the driver's window and says “Do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?”
“Well, now we do!!” yells Schrodinger.
The cop thinks this is all too weird, so he proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists.
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wrote on 25 Mar 2024, 23:37 last edited by
Doppler got a ticket for running a red light. It looked green to him, so the cop gave him a speeding ticket.
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wrote on 1 Apr 2024, 15:57 last edited by
BREAKING: Tesla Inc. is going to acquire Nikola Corporation later this year and discussions going on that Elon wants to form a single company named Nikola Tesla Inc.
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wrote on 8 Apr 2024, 15:51 last edited by jon-nyc 4 Aug 2024, 15:51
There's a new guy at work named Wayne Bruce, and I said "Ah, my old nemesis ManBat.
Nobody got the reference. I'm wasted here. Not all capes wear heroes.
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wrote on 13 Apr 2024, 13:21 last edited by
So, and Englishman, an Italian and a Frenchman are arguing what the word "panache" means.
The Englishman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me!"
The Italian says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on!"
The Frenchman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on! And he does."
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wrote on 22 Apr 2024, 23:26 last edited by
Does anyone have any jokes about hotels?
I was hoping we could all Sheraton of them.
Sorry, I am Hyatt the time of writing this.
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wrote on 26 Apr 2024, 09:19 last edited by
Someone has ripped the fifth month out of my calendar.
I am dismayed.
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wrote on 1 May 2024, 21:18 last edited by
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it's the fridge.