So....
-
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
-
ATTENTION! I've decided to get some new pronouns and will announce them whenever I am asked for them. From now on, my pronouns are "that cunt". In case you are unfamiliar with those particular pronouns, here's a helpful guide to how to use them. Please be respectful of them.
"Is Simon at work today?"
"Yes, I saw that cunt in the canteen earier""Where does Simon sit?"
"That cunt is right in front of the reception desk after you come in." -
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
-
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving along the road together - Heisenberg is driving.
After a time, they are stopped by a traffic cop. Heisenberg pulls over, and the cop comes up to the driver's window.
“Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?” asks the cop.
“No” replies Heisenberg “but I know precisely where I am”
“You were doing 70.” says the cop
“Great!” says Heisenberg “Now we're lost!”
The cop thinks this is very strange behaviour and so he decides to inspect the vehicle. After a time he comes back to the driver's window and says “Do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?”
“Well, now we do!!” yells Schrodinger.
The cop thinks this is all too weird, so he proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists.
-
So, and Englishman, an Italian and a Frenchman are arguing what the word "panache" means.
The Englishman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me!"
The Italian says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on!"
The Frenchman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on! And he does."
