So....
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo near Chicago with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, slipped past the "WARNING-DO NOT ENTER" sign, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Scientists created a supercomputer(this computer should have answered any question), and asked it a question. "Is there a God?" The computer thought a little, buzzed and answered:"Not enough information, connect me to all the other supercomputers on the planet."
Scientists sighed, but there was nothing to do, they connected it. They ask again. "Is there a God?" The computer again thought and buzzed and answers:"Not enough information. Connect me to all computers on the planet."
Scientists had a hard time doing that, but they did connect the supercomputer to every computer on the planet at all. They ask the same question again. The computer buzzes and says:"Not enough information. Connect me to all networks, all devices, processors, etc."
Well, the scientists made every effort, and they did it. They're asking again. "Is there a God?"
Computer:
"There is now"
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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
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Did you hear about the guy who got a second job as a cook in a pizza joint?
He kneaded the dough.
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So…. I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first few days were the hardest.
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Me: Triple whiskey straight please
Barista: Sir, this is Starbucks
Me: Jesus Christ, ok, Venti Whiskey then.
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ATTENTION! I've decided to get some new pronouns and will announce them whenever I am asked for them. From now on, my pronouns are "that cunt". In case you are unfamiliar with those particular pronouns, here's a helpful guide to how to use them. Please be respectful of them.
"Is Simon at work today?"
"Yes, I saw that cunt in the canteen earier""Where does Simon sit?"
"That cunt is right in front of the reception desk after you come in." -
My body is a temple.
Ancient, crumbling, cursed, and probably haunted.
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
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Apparently it’s helpful to pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain.
My apologies to the woman at Waffle House.
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are driving along the road together - Heisenberg is driving.
After a time, they are stopped by a traffic cop. Heisenberg pulls over, and the cop comes up to the driver's window.
“Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?” asks the cop.
“No” replies Heisenberg “but I know precisely where I am”
“You were doing 70.” says the cop
“Great!” says Heisenberg “Now we're lost!”
The cop thinks this is very strange behaviour and so he decides to inspect the vehicle. After a time he comes back to the driver's window and says “Do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?”
“Well, now we do!!” yells Schrodinger.
The cop thinks this is all too weird, so he proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists.
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There's a new guy at work named Wayne Bruce, and I said "Ah, my old nemesis ManBat.
Nobody got the reference. I'm wasted here. Not all capes wear heroes.
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So, and Englishman, an Italian and a Frenchman are arguing what the word "panache" means.
The Englishman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me!"
The Italian says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on!"
The Frenchman says, panache is when you walk into your bedroom and you find your wife in bed with another man, and you say, "Excuse me! Carry on! And he does."
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Someone has ripped the fifth month out of my calendar.
I am dismayed.
DON’T let them eat cake.
- RFK Jr
