So....
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wrote on 20 Oct 2023, 22:17 last edited by
Had my prostate checked today. The doctor said everything was fine.
I was deeply touched.
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wrote on 22 Oct 2023, 19:58 last edited by
My lesbian friends bought me a gold Timex for my birthday.
I think they got confused when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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wrote on 25 Oct 2023, 13:21 last edited by
(may have posted before...)
It was 10 years ago today my best friend James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
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wrote on 30 Oct 2023, 13:55 last edited by
So I asked her if she wanted to see my stamp collection.
She said, "Philately will get you nowhere."
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wrote on 19 Nov 2023, 12:59 last edited by
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob said, “Ya' know sumthin', Luther, I reckon I'm 'bout ready fur a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different."
“Last few years," he said, "I took yur advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti, and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant again. I ain't gonna do THAT agin."
Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna' do this year that's differnt?"
Billy Bob replied, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
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wrote on 19 Nov 2023, 21:51 last edited by
Lol
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wrote on 23 Nov 2023, 01:01 last edited by
My girlfriend mixed up Bond villains Blofeld and Oddjob.
Unfortunately, I just felt odd as a result.
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wrote on 26 Nov 2023, 11:52 last edited by
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat
opposite her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.
Finally....the little girl said....
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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wrote on 4 Dec 2023, 00:30 last edited by
So… when my son was born the doctor asked my wife if we wanted him circumcised.
She turned to me and asked me if it hurt.
I told her I didn’t remember, but I do remember that I couldn’t walk for an entire year.
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wrote on 4 Dec 2023, 19:05 last edited by
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
wrote on 4 Dec 2023, 19:26 last edited by -
wrote on 9 Dec 2023, 16:23 last edited by
I asked my wife if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her upper lip.
That’s how the fight started…
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wrote on 24 Dec 2023, 12:32 last edited by
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
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wrote on 2 Jan 2024, 23:01 last edited by
The worst thing about having "Spartacus" for a name is that someone else always seems to get my Uber.
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wrote on 5 Jan 2024, 00:09 last edited by
What do you call a person with erectile dysfunction?
Doesn’t matter what you call them, because they aren’t going to come.
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wrote on 15 Jan 2024, 00:49 last edited by
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00, was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for minute, and decided to give her the $300.00, because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response, “so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!”
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wrote on 19 Jan 2024, 14:04 last edited by
What’s the difference between eating lunch and having sex?
I don’t cry after eating lunch.
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wrote on 26 Jan 2024, 22:43 last edited by
So… do you know where I can get a toupee?
Not off the top of my head.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is not a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad.
Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.
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wrote on 2 Feb 2024, 14:21 last edited by
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo near Chicago with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, slipped past the "WARNING-DO NOT ENTER" sign, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably wasn't the same elephant.
