So....
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Jim Mooney had been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS..
He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him..
Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income..
You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”.
“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”.
The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”.
Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”.
The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible..
“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”.
At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it..
The auditor sits there in stunned silence,.
Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”.
Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye, thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet..
So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye..
The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous..
“Want to go again?” asks Jim.
“What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor..
Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”.
The auditor, realizing now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees..
Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk..
The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him..
However, Jim’s attorney shouts out in obvious pain and puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk..
“What’s the matter?” asked the auditor..
“When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”.
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My father was a conjoined twin.
We call his brother my uncle on my father's side.
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Chinese takeout: $12
Tip: $3
Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
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You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.
That's your own asphalt.
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Another wooden ball.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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Why did Calpurnia hate to play hide and seek with her husband?
Because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.
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“Dog food lid” spelled backwards is “Dildo of God”
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Had my prostate checked today. The doctor said everything was fine.
I was deeply touched.
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My lesbian friends bought me a gold Timex for my birthday.
I think they got confused when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob said, “Ya' know sumthin', Luther, I reckon I'm 'bout ready fur a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different."
“Last few years," he said, "I took yur advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti, and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant again. I ain't gonna do THAT agin."
Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna' do this year that's differnt?"
Billy Bob replied, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
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Lol
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All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat
opposite her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.
Finally....the little girl said....
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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So… when my son was born the doctor asked my wife if we wanted him circumcised.
She turned to me and asked me if it hurt.
I told her I didn’t remember, but I do remember that I couldn’t walk for an entire year.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
DON’T let them eat cake.
- RFK Jr -
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I asked my wife if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her upper lip.
That’s how the fight started…
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
