So....
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wrote on 13 Oct 2023, 03:31 last edited by
You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.
That's your own asphalt.
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wrote on 13 Oct 2023, 21:36 last edited by
Another wooden ball.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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wrote on 15 Oct 2023, 12:40 last edited by
Why did Calpurnia hate to play hide and seek with her husband?
Because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.
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wrote on 19 Oct 2023, 20:31 last edited by
“Dog food lid” spelled backwards is “Dildo of God”
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wrote on 20 Oct 2023, 22:17 last edited by
Had my prostate checked today. The doctor said everything was fine.
I was deeply touched.
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wrote on 22 Oct 2023, 19:58 last edited by
My lesbian friends bought me a gold Timex for my birthday.
I think they got confused when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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wrote on 25 Oct 2023, 13:21 last edited by
(may have posted before...)
It was 10 years ago today my best friend James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
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wrote on 30 Oct 2023, 13:55 last edited by
So I asked her if she wanted to see my stamp collection.
She said, "Philately will get you nowhere."
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wrote on 19 Nov 2023, 12:59 last edited by
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob said, “Ya' know sumthin', Luther, I reckon I'm 'bout ready fur a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different."
“Last few years," he said, "I took yur advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti, and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant again. I ain't gonna do THAT agin."
Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna' do this year that's differnt?"
Billy Bob replied, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
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wrote on 19 Nov 2023, 21:51 last edited by
Lol
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wrote on 23 Nov 2023, 01:01 last edited by
My girlfriend mixed up Bond villains Blofeld and Oddjob.
Unfortunately, I just felt odd as a result.
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wrote on 26 Nov 2023, 11:52 last edited by
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat
opposite her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.
Finally....the little girl said....
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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wrote on 4 Dec 2023, 00:30 last edited by
So… when my son was born the doctor asked my wife if we wanted him circumcised.
She turned to me and asked me if it hurt.
I told her I didn’t remember, but I do remember that I couldn’t walk for an entire year.
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wrote on 4 Dec 2023, 19:05 last edited by
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
wrote on 4 Dec 2023, 19:26 last edited by -
wrote on 9 Dec 2023, 16:23 last edited by
I asked my wife if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her upper lip.
That’s how the fight started…
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wrote on 24 Dec 2023, 12:32 last edited by
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
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wrote on 2 Jan 2024, 23:01 last edited by
The worst thing about having "Spartacus" for a name is that someone else always seems to get my Uber.
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wrote on 5 Jan 2024, 00:09 last edited by
What do you call a person with erectile dysfunction?
Doesn’t matter what you call them, because they aren’t going to come.
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wrote on 15 Jan 2024, 00:49 last edited by
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00, was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for minute, and decided to give her the $300.00, because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response, “so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!”
