So....
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Chinese takeout: $12
Tip: $3
Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
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You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.
That's your own asphalt.
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Another wooden ball.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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Why did Calpurnia hate to play hide and seek with her husband?
Because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.
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“Dog food lid” spelled backwards is “Dildo of God”
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Had my prostate checked today. The doctor said everything was fine.
I was deeply touched.
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My lesbian friends bought me a gold Timex for my birthday.
I think they got confused when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob said, “Ya' know sumthin', Luther, I reckon I'm 'bout ready fur a vacation, only this time I'm gonna' do it little different."
“Last few years," he said, "I took yur advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti, and durned if Earline didn't get pregnant again. I ain't gonna do THAT agin."
Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna' do this year that's differnt?"
Billy Bob replied, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
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Lol
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All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat
opposite her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.
Finally....the little girl said....
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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So… when my son was born the doctor asked my wife if we wanted him circumcised.
She turned to me and asked me if it hurt.
I told her I didn’t remember, but I do remember that I couldn’t walk for an entire year.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
It’s always something.
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I asked my wife if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her upper lip.
That’s how the fight started…
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
