So....

[George K]

I was standing at the bar at the one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... but,
 when you're my age, who cares?

[George K]

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

[George K]

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

[George K]

I went to our the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 stitches, but...

[jon-nyc]

My buddy was engaged twice but never actually got married.

He’s had a couple of near Mrs.

[George K]

I was talking to a young woman at a bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but...

[jon-nyc]

I don’t know what HD is but my doctor says I have 80 of them.

[Catseye3]

(Warning: Dad Joke) What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

[Catseye3]

(Warning: Another Dad Joke). If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

[Catseye3]

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.

[LuFins Dad]

@Catseye3 said in So....:

(Warning: Dad Joke) What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

Nice. And stolen…

[Catseye3]

@LuFins-Dad

Oh yeah, absolutely.

[LuFins Dad]

@Catseye3 said in So....:

@LuFins-Dad

Oh yeah, absolutely.

I meant that I was stealing it from you!

[Catseye3]

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife.

[Catseye3]

What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

[Catseye3]

My cat has just eaten three mallards!

He’s a duck filled fatty puss.

---

Okay, that's all, I promise.

For tonight, anyway.

[Catseye3]

Okay, one more . . .
^
^
I went into a shop and asked, “Can I have a bottle of shampoo, please?”

The woman said, “Extra volume?”

“CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO, PLEASE!”

[taiwan_girl]

@Catseye3 said in So....:

Okay, one more . . .
^
^
I went into a shop and asked, “Can I have a bottle of shampoo, please?”

The woman said, “Extra volume?”

“CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO, PLEASE!

Link to video

[jon-nyc]

Happy Ramadan to my Muslim brothers and sisters. This month, lunch is on me.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

Happy Ramadan to my Muslim brothers and sisters. This month, lunch is on me.

(not so) Cheap Scotch, everywhere!