So....
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My gym declared bankruptcy yesterday. Who’s the quitter now, bitches?
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I thought naming my dog ‘Shark’ was a good idea until I took him to the beach.
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An epidemiologist, an ER doc, and an infectious disease specialist walk into a bar....
... just kidding.
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The ER doc part makes it ring slightly less true, what with the ER docs who own urgent care clinics that were losing money due to the shelter in place/lock down orders, and who coincidentally came to a scientific conclusion that maybe those orders weren't in society's best interest after all.
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So.. a cat walks into a telegram office. The guy hands the cat a form to write his message on. The cat writes "meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow" and hands it to the man.
The man says "That's only nine "meows". You can send another "meow" for the same price if you want.
The cat says "yeah, but then it wouldn't make any sense,,,,"
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A police officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
He sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH and thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 215.” -
My wife is a sexaholic. No matter what time of day or night my wife always wants to make love, I can't even brush my teeth without her humping me.
Ealier I went to the kitchen for a gllllas of wattrr an myy wif e un ziiipp ed panntss a nd themn adwrer sdoa akdbw aldb tees yhalfb hdjjwj snkkdbf jskdnruw.
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A hunter on safari came across a dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. The hunter asked the pygmy if he had killed it.
"Yes. "
"How Did a little guy like you kill such a large animal?"
"I killed it with my club."
"Damn! How big is your club?"
"There's about 200 of us, I think..." -
My best friend passed away years ago.
Grieving before his grave I said,
“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grows older I realize he looks a lot like my best friend.
I’m really happy my prayer worked.
