So....

[Aqua Letifer]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

Me: One time I farted so long, I thought my butt was going to have to stop to catch its breath.

Interviewer: “….and a weakness?

I overshare.

[George K]

FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us.

[jon-nyc]

When I ask how monkeypox is spread, I never get a straight answer.

[jon-nyc]

Jesus was supposed to be named Brian.

But then Mary stubbed her toe on the desk at the registry office.

[jon-nyc]

So… apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.

[jon-nyc]

I took my grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat away all the dead tissue.

It cost $150 but it was cheaper than cremation.

[Catseye3]

I'm going to let God fix it

Because if I fix it I'm going to jail.

[Catseye3]

"More and more research shows how horrible sitting is for you. It's really bad. It's like a Paula Deen bacon doughnut." J.A. Jacobs, Author.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I took my grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat away all the dead tissue.

It cost $150 but it was cheaper than cremation.

(stealing that one)

My favorite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather.

Until my mother took the urn from me.

[jon-nyc]

People ask “where’s Bigfoot?”, but they never ask “how’s Bigfoot?”

Yeti never complains.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

People ask “where’s Bigfoot?”, but they never ask “how’s Bigfoot?”

Yeti never complains.

[jon-nyc]

If really good-looking people are “eye candy”, I guess that puts me somewhere in the “eye-broccoli” category.

[jon-nyc]

I keep trying to reunite the Beatles but I can never get a clean shot.

[George K]

I took my wife to the doctors for her Tourette’s.

It turns out she doesn’t have it after all.

I’m a cunt and she does want me to fuck off

[jon-nyc]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[jon-nyc]

Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?

They found gold in them/their hills.

[jon-nyc]

Took my son out for his first pint today. I first got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got to whiskeys, I was so drunk I could hardly push the fucking pram.

[jon-nyc]

The other day Siri told me a notification came up on my phone. I said “what is it”, and Siri said “it’s an alert from an app that shows up on your home screen, but that’s not important right now”.

That’s when I realized it was in Airplane mode.

[jon-nyc]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[jon-nyc]

What gives you butterflies no matter how many times you’ve done it?

Buying caterpillars.