So....
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Me: One time I farted so long, I thought my butt was going to have to stop to catch its breath.
Interviewer: “….and a weakness?
wrote on 18 Aug 2022, 20:11 last edited by -
wrote on 28 Aug 2022, 12:22 last edited by George K
FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us. -
wrote on 31 Aug 2022, 09:36 last edited by
When I ask how monkeypox is spread, I never get a straight answer.
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wrote on 31 Aug 2022, 13:38 last edited by
Jesus was supposed to be named Brian.
But then Mary stubbed her toe on the desk at the registry office.
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wrote on 4 Sept 2022, 14:50 last edited by
So… apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.
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wrote on 7 Sept 2022, 19:59 last edited by
I took my grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat away all the dead tissue.
It cost $150 but it was cheaper than cremation.
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wrote on 15 Sept 2022, 17:11 last edited by
I'm going to let God fix it
Because if I fix it I'm going to jail.
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wrote on 15 Sept 2022, 17:48 last edited by
"More and more research shows how horrible sitting is for you. It's really bad. It's like a Paula Deen bacon doughnut." J.A. Jacobs, Author.
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I took my grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat away all the dead tissue.
It cost $150 but it was cheaper than cremation.
wrote on 16 Sept 2022, 01:19 last edited by George K -
wrote on 18 Sept 2022, 17:37 last edited by
People ask “where’s Bigfoot?”, but they never ask “how’s Bigfoot?”
Yeti never complains.
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wrote on 19 Sept 2022, 01:46 last edited by jon-nyc
If really good-looking people are “eye candy”, I guess that puts me somewhere in the “eye-broccoli” category.
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wrote on 22 Sept 2022, 02:01 last edited by
I keep trying to reunite the Beatles but I can never get a clean shot.
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wrote on 22 Sept 2022, 13:25 last edited by
I took my wife to the doctors for her Tourette’s.
It turns out she doesn’t have it after all.
I’m a cunt and she does want me to fuck off
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wrote on 22 Sept 2022, 13:45 last edited by
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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wrote on 2 Oct 2022, 08:23 last edited by
Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?
They found gold in them/their hills.
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wrote on 2 Oct 2022, 08:29 last edited by
Took my son out for his first pint today. I first got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got to whiskeys, I was so drunk I could hardly push the fucking pram.
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wrote on 2 Oct 2022, 08:33 last edited by
The other day Siri told me a notification came up on my phone. I said “what is it”, and Siri said “it’s an alert from an app that shows up on your home screen, but that’s not important right now”.
That’s when I realized it was in Airplane mode.
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wrote on 4 Oct 2022, 01:08 last edited by
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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wrote on 5 Oct 2022, 01:10 last edited by
What gives you butterflies no matter how many times you’ve done it?
Buying caterpillars.
