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Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: I’m sorry for cremating you. We honestly thought you were dead.
Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
So....
I've always wondered why mosquitos don't become lawyers.
They're already blood sucking parasites, all they need is a briefcase....
So..,, A farmer"s wife left him after she caught him having sex with one of the horses..
It was her worst fucking night mare....
For years I was a circus performer. For my act, I would place a walnut on a table, then take out my Johnson, swing it at the walnut and crack it open.
Recently though I've switched to a coconut.
My eyesight isn't what it used to be....
So...
My doctor told me I could touch myself any time I wanted to.
Well.... his exact words were "you could have a stroke at any time" but hey.....
The worst thing to feel during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders....
"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" I yelled, as i made a mental note to never visit Thailand again...
Her: My husband’s been having trouble falling asleep.
Dr: Have you tried telling him about your day?
My buddy was bragging that his 3D printer could print a gun. But I wasn’t impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The longest drum solo in history lasted 10 hours and 43 minutes.
It was performed by the kid sitting behind me on Delta 237 from LA to Tokyo.
@jon-nyc said in So....:
My buddy was bragging that his 3D printer could print a gun. But I wasn’t impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Stealing....
The longest drum solo in history lasted 10 hours and 43 minutes. It was performed by the kid sitting behind me on Delta 237 from LA to Tokyo.
Yeah, that one too.
I just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Anybody can masturbate under a sheet.
But it takes real skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.
Why does the Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?...
So they can see their Air Force....
@Larry said in So....:
So.... Why does the Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?... So they can see their Air Force Navy....
So they can see their Air Force Navy....
FIFYNNTTM
If Elon Musk came out as gay, would you oppose Musk man dates?
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman.
In my experience you get far less pepper spray in them that way.
