So....
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So......
A cow and three calves are laying in the grass under a tree.
One of the calves looks at the cow and says "why was I named Sunlight?" The cow says "because when you were born the first thing to happen was a ray of sunlight landed on your head."
The second calf says "well... why was I named Butterfly?" The cow says "because when you were born the first thing to happen was a butterfly landed on your head."
The third calf, named Cinder Block, said ",.,,,, Ooooddeeee boooomfph wooooooop...."
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this is a joke LB posted on FB.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady.
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
The blonde turned around and replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"
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I just got a full tank of gas for $22.
Granted, it was for my lawnmower but I’m trying to stay positive.
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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
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Sitting here in ER. I don’t want to go into details, let’s just say the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a very misleading product name.
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My daughter came out today and told us she identifies as a musical instrument.
I’ve always had suspicions about our Monica.
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I told my Chinese girlfriend last night I wanted 69.
She said “why do you want beef and broccoli now?”
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Did you know pigeons can only have sex once, then they die?
At least the one I fucked.
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Studies have shown people eat more bananas than monkeys.
Come to think of it, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
It’s always something.
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Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: I’m sorry for cremating you. We honestly thought you were dead.
