So....

[jon-nyc]

@Aqua-Letifer

Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

[Catseye3]

@jon-nyc

[Larry]

I've watched several if the Star Wars movies and have noticed that all the characters have last names except for Yoda.

So I did some research and found out that Yoda actually does have a last name...

Layheehoo.....

[Axtremus]

(h/t CHAS)

Link to video

Stick around for the ending.

[taiwan_girl]

@Axtremus Funny!!

[George K]

Now That I'm Older

1. My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now? Hey @Larry
3. How to prepare Tofu:
   a. Throw it in the trash
   b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I loved approaching 70, I learned something new every day and forget 5 other things.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[Larry]

So..

The Flat Earth Society issued a statement on the subject of social distancing.

It seems the 6 foot distancing requirement is pushing some of their members over the edge.....

[xenon]

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian:

“Do you have that book for the men with small penises?”

The librarian looks at her computer and says:

“I don’t know if it’s in yet”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”

[Catseye3]

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian-looking fellow sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like kung fu, karate or ju jitsu.

He says, "No, WTF man? Are you asking because I'm Chinese?"

I said, "No, it's because you're drinking my beer."

[jon-nyc]

So, I’m now my wife’s sexual advisor.

Just yesterday she told me when she wants my fucking advice she’ll ask for it.

[George K]

So, I asked my wife for a screwdriver.

She said, "Flathead, Phillips, or Vodka?"

It was at that moment I knew she was the one.

[Larry]

So... I walked into the kitchen a while ago and my wife was chopping up onions.. which made me cry......

Because onions was a good dog...

[Larry]

Wife: Hi.. I'm pregnant..
Husband: hi.. I'm Dad...
Wife: no you're not.....

[Larry]

Since it started raining today, all my wife has done is sit looking forlornly through the window.

I guess next time I get up to go to the toilet I should let her in...

[Larry]

So.. my wife is laughing at me. I bought a new computer, and was setting up a password "mydick"....

A message flashed on the screen that said "your password is too short"

[Larry]

I thought my wife was joking when she told me she was going to leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer"...

Then I saw her face......

[Larry]

A doctor and his wife are talking...

Wife: I can't believe you cheated on me!!

Husband: well, she was just lying there naked on a table, what did you expect me to Do?

Wife:AN AUTOPSY!!!

[Larry]

A string theorist is in bed with another woman and his wife walks in the room and catches them.. The string theorist says "Wait - I can explain everything!!"

[jon-nyc]

My gym declared bankruptcy yesterday. Who’s the quitter now, bitches?

[jon-nyc]

I thought naming my dog ‘Shark’ was a good idea until I took him to the beach.