So....
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I must have asked 50 people what LGBTQ+ stands for. So far nobody has given me a straight answer.
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My superpower is proofreading skills.
After I hit 'send'.
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The next time you hate your life, remember it's all about perspective. I have a friend who exercises twice a day, reads two books a week, and has sex 2-3 times a day, yet he complains about how much he hates prison.
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I went into a burger joint for lunch today and the woman behind the counter had a badge on her left breast that said Pat.
To make a long story short, I am now banned from Burger King.
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When I meet a woman I try to see what’s in her heart.
It’s not my fault her tits are in the way.
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Nervous of flying? Don't be.
As long as the 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while travelling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the Earth's surface, you'll be absolutely fine.
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I read somewhere that a million people get sick every year from eating tainted beef.
Who the fuck is putting their taint on the beef anyway?
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Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.
"And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear.
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
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Why won’t tampons talk to you?
Because they’re stuck-up cunts.
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Dad: "I named you after my father."
After My Father: "I know."
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I got in touch with my inner self today.
That’s the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.
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Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites.
We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
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This dwarf I know wanted to quit his job to become a butcher.
But the steaks were too high.
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Why is fat-shaming people wrong?
They already have a lot on their plate.
