So....
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Kids today have no idea that there was a short period in the early 90s where you could pull up next to someone in an intersection and ask for mustard.
wrote on 23 Dec 2021, 18:37 last edited byKids today have no idea that there was a short period in the early 90s where you could pull up next to someone in an intersection and ask for mustard.
I worked with a plastic surgeon who owned a Rolls. It was a convertible.
The license plate said "SCHNOZZ."
One day, he was stopped at a light, and some kids pulled up at a light next to him and beeped.
"Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"
He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a jar.
At least, he claims that happened.
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wrote on 24 Dec 2021, 01:31 last edited by
So, what do you call a physic dwarf escaping the law?
A small medium at large!! 5555
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wrote on 24 Dec 2021, 19:36 last edited by
So… I was born a male and identity as male, but according to Stauffer’s Lasagna I’m a family of four.
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wrote on 29 Dec 2021, 19:27 last edited by
The CDC says it's not omicron unless it comes from the Omicrônne region of France, otherwise it's just sparkling covid.
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wrote on 1 Jan 2022, 02:52 last edited by jon-nyc 1 Jan 2022, 03:10
Officer: “Sir, I hate to bring you this news, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus”
Husband: “I know, but she takes it up the arse and is good with the kids.”
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wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 12:12 last edited by George K 1 Feb 2022, 12:15
A Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
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wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 14:32 last edited by
My girlfriend asked me why the letters M, I, L, F, and S were worn off my laptop.
I told her I really love films.
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A Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 19:53 last edited byA Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
That old dog’s been around for decades…
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A Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
That old dog’s been around for decades…
wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 21:48 last edited by -
wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 23:17 last edited by
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wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 23:20 last edited by
@jon-nyc our anesthesia tech (she maintained the equipment, helped us put in lines, stocked, etc) was a rather colorful gal.
She had a cat that developed some severe mats and had to have them shaved off.
She said, "Wanna see my shaved pussy?"
Anyhow, on a trip to Tennessee, the transmission on her car gave out.
Yeah, she told us that she blew a tranny in Tennessee.
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wrote on 2 Jan 2022, 23:21 last edited by
Ha!
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wrote on 3 Jan 2022, 02:20 last edited by
So…. I spent $350 on a limousine only to find out it didn’t include the cost of the driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!
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wrote on 3 Jan 2022, 02:24 last edited by
I was having sex with my friend’s wife and her phone rang. I recognized his voice so I started quietly getting dressed. She hung up and said “it’s ok, we have time. He’s out having drinks with you”.
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wrote on 3 Jan 2022, 02:29 last edited by
So…. I had a prostate exam yesterday.
That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train.
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wrote on 5 Jan 2022, 21:33 last edited by
A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: “Name?”
German: “Heinrich Klimt”
Police officer: “Age?”
German: “31”
Police officer: “occupation?”
German: “No, no. Just visiting”
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wrote on 5 Jan 2022, 23:54 last edited by
When I win the lottery I’m giving money to Charity.
If she’s not dancing that night I’ll give it to Destiny.
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wrote on 5 Jan 2022, 23:55 last edited by
I once felt like a boy trapped in a girl’s body.
Then I was born.
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wrote on 6 Jan 2022, 02:42 last edited by
Millennials: Walking around like they rent the place.
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wrote on 6 Jan 2022, 02:57 last edited by
There may be no "I" in team, but there's a "U" in suck.