So....

[jon-nyc]

Hey George -

How many screws does it take to put a lesbian’s bed together?

None, it’s all tongue and groove.

[George K]

@jon-nyc

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker? 

A: One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

[jon-nyc]

Elon Musk is from South Africa, which is strange.

You’d think he was from Mad-at-gas-car.

[George K]

My wife wants me to slap her ass when we have sex.

She said it will stop her from falling asleep!

[Larry]

I just recently learned that I am color blind.

The news came right out of the purple...

[Larry]

All I do any more is crush cans.

It's soda pressing.....

[Larry]

This morning SIRI suddenly said "and don't call me Shirley".

That's when I discovered I had it in airplane mode....

[jon-nyc]

Me: Finally gets 8hrs of sleep

My neck: Congrats but you did it wrong!

[jon-nyc]

If I don’t sin, that means Jesus died for nothing.

[xenon]

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

[George K]

Warning: If you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, don't open it.

It's a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song.

[jon-nyc]

I just filled in a CAPTCHA so tough it had me seriously considering the possibility that I’m a robot.

[George K]

So....

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will furnish your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges because the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[jon-nyc]

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.

[George K]

I remember the time I heard this joke for the first time. It was told to my by an ICU specialist from South Africa. We were in a bar, celebrating the end of my rotation in the ICU.

Now, this is a "cut and paste" but you have to imagine a guy with a South African accent telling this joke. Replace the "Vern" with a farmer from South Africa, and "nuts" with "testicles" - pronounces as "test-ICE-icles". The "pretzel hold" was the "pretzel grip" - and you had to "roll" the "r" in "pretzel" and "grip."

I spit beer all over the table.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*A Russian & an American Hillbilly named Vern were set to square off for the Olympic wressling gold medal. Before the final match, Vern's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on thisRussian. He's never lost a match because of his 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Hillbilly nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Vern and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Vern and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Hillbilly collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got Vern alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

Vern answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.*

[jon-nyc]

“Oh hell yes” - Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

[jon-nyc]

Kids today have no idea that there was a short period in the early 90s where you could pull up next to someone in an intersection and ask for mustard.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

Kids today have no idea that there was a short period in the early 90s where you could pull up next to someone in an intersection and ask for mustard.

I worked with a plastic surgeon who owned a Rolls. It was a convertible.

The license plate said "SCHNOZZ."

One day, he was stopped at a light, and some kids pulled up at a light next to him and beeped.

"Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"

He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a jar.

At least, he claims that happened.

[taiwan_girl]

So, what do you call a physic dwarf escaping the law?

A small medium at large!! 5555

[jon-nyc]

So… I was born a male and identity as male, but according to Stauffer’s Lasagna I’m a family of four.