So....

[jon-nyc]

Between Saving Private Ryan ($70 MM), Interstellar
($165 MM), and The Martian ($108 MM), America has spent nearly $350 million trying to rescue Matt Damon.

[Ivorythumper]

So… a guy walks into a bar with a newt.

"A pint of beer for me and a glass of water for my newt, please."

"Strange pet," says the barkeep. "What’s his name?"

"Tiny," answers the man.

"Why?" the bartender inquires.

"I call him Tiny because he’s my newt."

[jon-nyc]

A mother and her son were on a Southwest Airlines flight.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your Mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did! 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

[jon-nyc]

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through his heart.

It sounds simple but the process is painstaking.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through his heart.
It sounds simple but the process is painstaking.

Good thing I hadn't started my coffee.

That's perfect (and stolen).

[LuFins Dad]

A raven has 17 primary wing feathers also known as pinions. A crow has 16. The difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.

[jon-nyc]

Hey George -

How many screws does it take to put a lesbian’s bed together?

None, it’s all tongue and groove.

[George K]

@jon-nyc

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker? 

A: One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

[jon-nyc]

Elon Musk is from South Africa, which is strange.

You’d think he was from Mad-at-gas-car.

[George K]

My wife wants me to slap her ass when we have sex.

She said it will stop her from falling asleep!

[Larry]

I just recently learned that I am color blind.

The news came right out of the purple...

[Larry]

All I do any more is crush cans.

It's soda pressing.....

[Larry]

This morning SIRI suddenly said "and don't call me Shirley".

That's when I discovered I had it in airplane mode....

[jon-nyc]

Me: Finally gets 8hrs of sleep

My neck: Congrats but you did it wrong!

[jon-nyc]

If I don’t sin, that means Jesus died for nothing.

[xenon]

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

[George K]

Warning: If you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, don't open it.

It's a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song.

[jon-nyc]

I just filled in a CAPTCHA so tough it had me seriously considering the possibility that I’m a robot.

[George K]

So....

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will furnish your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges because the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[jon-nyc]

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.