So....
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Apologies if I posted this earlier.
Q: What's the difference between babies and cats?
A: When you get tired of carrying a baby, you can't just drop it on the floor.
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wrote on 15 Nov 2021, 16:16 last edited by
Between Saving Private Ryan ($70 MM), Interstellar
($165 MM), and The Martian ($108 MM), America has spent nearly $350 million trying to rescue Matt Damon. -
wrote on 15 Nov 2021, 17:37 last edited by
So… a guy walks into a bar with a newt.
"A pint of beer for me and a glass of water for my newt, please."
"Strange pet," says the barkeep. "What’s his name?"
"Tiny," answers the man.
"Why?" the bartender inquires.
"I call him Tiny because he’s my newt."
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wrote on 16 Nov 2021, 05:33 last edited by jon-nyc
A mother and her son were on a Southwest Airlines flight.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your Mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did! 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."
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wrote on 16 Nov 2021, 10:05 last edited by
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through his heart.
It sounds simple but the process is painstaking.
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through his heart.
It sounds simple but the process is painstaking.
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wrote on 16 Nov 2021, 16:33 last edited by
A raven has 17 primary wing feathers also known as pinions. A crow has 16. The difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.
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G George K referenced this topic on 20 Nov 2021, 14:31
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wrote on 24 Nov 2021, 23:00 last edited by
Hey George -
How many screws does it take to put a lesbian’s bed together?
None, it’s all tongue and groove.
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Hey George -
How many screws does it take to put a lesbian’s bed together?
None, it’s all tongue and groove.
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wrote on 25 Nov 2021, 05:49 last edited by
Elon Musk is from South Africa, which is strange.
You’d think he was from Mad-at-gas-car.
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wrote on 25 Nov 2021, 14:41 last edited by
My wife wants me to slap her ass when we have sex.
She said it will stop her from falling asleep!
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wrote on 25 Nov 2021, 16:53 last edited by
I just recently learned that I am color blind.
The news came right out of the purple...
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wrote on 25 Nov 2021, 16:55 last edited by
All I do any more is crush cans.
It's soda pressing.....
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wrote on 25 Nov 2021, 16:59 last edited by
This morning SIRI suddenly said "and don't call me Shirley".
That's when I discovered I had it in airplane mode....
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wrote on 28 Nov 2021, 04:16 last edited by jon-nyc
Me: Finally gets 8hrs of sleep
My neck: Congrats but you did it wrong!
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wrote on 1 Dec 2021, 09:35 last edited by
If I don’t sin, that means Jesus died for nothing.
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wrote on 1 Dec 2021, 20:12 last edited by
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
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wrote on 3 Dec 2021, 14:06 last edited by
Warning: If you get sent a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, don't open it.
It's a link to listen to the new Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song.
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wrote on 11 Dec 2021, 00:35 last edited by
I just filled in a CAPTCHA so tough it had me seriously considering the possibility that I’m a robot.
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wrote on 12 Dec 2021, 12:28 last edited by
So....
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will furnish your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges because the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
