So....

[Larry]

I tried drag racing the other day.

It was BRUTAL running in those heels......

[Larry]

So...

I was captured by a mime...

He did unspeakable things to me....

[jon-nyc]

I don’t always roll a joint.

But when I do it’s my ankle.

[jon-nyc]

So I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

[Catseye3]

When I was younger, I thought "Drink Responsibly" meant don't spill it.

[George K]

@catseye3 said in So....:

When I was younger, I thought "Drink Responsibly" meant don't spill it.

[jon-nyc]

In retrospect, hiding the microchips in the horse dewormer was brilliant.

[xenon]

The women of king Arthur’s court must have been happy….

….they Camelot.

[Catseye3]

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Doyathinkhesaurus.

[George K]

I went to a zoo the other day.

It only had one animal.

A dog.

It was a shitzu.

[Catseye3]

So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet."

Everyone laughed . . . well, everyone except this one guy.

[George K]

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one: they are very efficient and have no sense of humour.

[jon-nyc]

I just turned wine into vomit.

Your move, Jesus.

[LuFins Dad]

Did you hear about Xerox and Wurlitzer merging? They are going to focus on reproductive organs.

[jon-nyc]

I went on a blind date once.

It didn’t start out that way but the bitch brought pepper spray.

[George K]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

I just turned wine into vomit.

Your move, Jesus.

Stealing that one...

[George K]

I dipped my ball in glitter this morning.

Pretty nuts.

[George K]

It’s an unusual time we’re living in.

Safe at last.

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.

Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.

If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn... Safe at last.

[jon-nyc]

Male bees die after mating.

That's basically their life.

Honey, nut, cheerio.

[LuFins Dad]

@george-k said in So....:

I dipped my ball in glitter this morning.

Pretty nuts.

To prepare for the Steelers Game on Sunday, I painted myself from head to toe in Black and Gold. When I came out of the bathroom my wife laughed and exclaimed “You’re nuts!” I replied “Sorry! Ran out of paint.”