So....
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A guy was admitted to ER last night with 24 plastic horses inserted into his rectum.
Doctors described his condition as stable.
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So... this homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill.
"Do I really want this money going towards drugs"?, I thought to myself. "Nah"!
So I gave him the $20.
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topic:timeago-later,13 days
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Sven and Ole work together in the City Parks Department, and with the beginning of spring, it’s time to fertilize the grass.
Sven looks at all the bags of fertilizer and sees various numbers behind some long words, like phosphorus, potassium, and nitrates. He’s completely bewildered about which bag to use.
Sven: “Say, Ole, look at dis here list of t’ings on dis here bag. Vat in the vorld are ‘p-hoss-p-hor-us’, ‘po-ta-toe-see-um’, and ‘nit-rates’?”
Ole: “Holy cow, Sven, I never heard of dat first vun. Ve bedder not use dat. Now dat next vun, dat potatoes vun, dat is no good for us to use. Ve’re not plantin’ potatoes for da City! But dat t’ird vun, you said dat vun all wrong. It’s not for nits, or Lena wudda been usin’ it on yer head already! Dat’s nite-rates, and I know about dat vun.”
Ole smiles and puffs his chest out with pride for knowing more than Sven about this one, and says, “Dat’s da good vun. Dat vun’s a good t’ing, cuz Lena told me dat nite-rates are alvays better dan day rates.”
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If you fall off your horse and scrape your butt really badly, can you get a skin graft from a donor?
Arse skin for a friend.
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Two married women go out for a girls night out, and end up getting really drunk.
Walking home, they both have to pee, so they sneak into a graveyard. As they had nothing to wipe with, one woman used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off of a nearby grave.
The next day, one of the husbands called the other and said "No more nights out, my wife came home with no panties".
The other said, "you think that's bad, my wife had a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the firehouse, we will never forget you'".
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People who confuse “burrow” and “burro” don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
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topic:timeago-later,9 days
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Her: Can I get a light roast?
Barista: Sure. Your tits are small but I’d still smash.
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Hey @Doctor-Phibes !
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and drinks from a stream. A shepherd passing says "Dinnae drink frae that, it's fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says "Please say that in the Queen's English?"
The Shepherd says "Sorry sir, would you like this cup for a proper drink?"
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Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces.
For example, it’s 10pm and I need to go to the liquor store but I’m afraid it’s closed.
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topic:timeago-later,23 days
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A nurse walks into her bank after an exhausting 12hr shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the teller and says “oh great, some asshole’s got my pen”.
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topic:timeago-later,10 days
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Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are riding in a car.
They get pulled over Heisenberg is driving and the cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and calls out, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" Schrödinger shouts.
The cop moves to arrest them, but Ohm resists.
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topic:timeago-later,14 days
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An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
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A man showed up to the hospital with 20 plastic horses stuck up his butt.
Doctors have listed his condition as stable.
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I'm reading astronaut Mike Mullane's book, Riding Rockets.
He talks about his relationship with Judy Resnick (RIP).
“I gave Judy my emery board. “You can do your nails during ascent.” She laughed. It had been a running Zoo Crew joke that, as a Jewish American Princess (JAP), she would be giving herself a manicure during the countdown.
With the nail file I included my latest JAP joke: “What does a JAP say when she inadvertently knocks over a priceless Ming dynasty vase, it shatters on the floor, and museum officials rush to the scene?”
Judy sighed in resignation. “What does she say, Tarzan (her nickname for Mullane)?”
“She shouts, ‘I’m okay! I’m okay!’”
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topic:timeago-later,8 days
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So.... do British websites use biscuits?
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topic:timeago-later,9 days
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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each others stories.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"Perfect, you're on"
At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"Yeah, boy! Let's do it!"
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"OK, let's give it a try!"
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When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal;
- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck he made it, then the owner announced;
- We have a brave winner.
After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
- I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled...
Moral: ′′Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him"...
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When I was young, I was poor.
But after years of hard work, I am no longer young.
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