So....

[Larry]

My neighbor accidentally shot his wife through her nipple.

Tore her kneecap plumb off....

[Larry]

So.. I was in a bar last night when the bartender shouted "Anyone here know CPR?"
I shouted "I do!! In fact, I know the whole alphabet!!"

Everybody in the place laughed... except for this one guy.....

[Larry]

So I told my wife about seeing a man get thrown under a bus today.

She said "oh my! Was it moving?"

I said "a few people cried, but I was ok.."

[Larry]

So.. I won a million dollars in the lottery today.

I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $999,999.75....

[jon-nyc]

People need to understand that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" was written in a different time even if the idea of being at someone else's house is shocking to us today.

[George K]

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

[Larry]

My cousin quit his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic.

He said he hadn't had a raise in years...

[jon-nyc]

Husband: My but you’re beautiful

Waitress: why thank you sir.

Wife: Why don’t you tell her about your erectile dysfunction, Jim?

Husband: Of course, where are my manners? Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction, her name is Margaret.

[jon-nyc]

Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear.

Me: Sure, I’ll have a beer.

[jon-nyc]

When I’m with my Spanish speaking friends I like to say “mucho”.

It means a lot to them.

[Larry]

I used to have a masturbation addiction but I had to stop.

It was getting out of hand...

[xenon]

I do my best thinking after sex...

I came to realize.

[jon-nyc]

I bought a new porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of a fat guy holding his dong.

Then I realized the TV wasn't on.

[Larry]

I went to a child psychologist.

He was 7 years old......

[jon-nyc]

The car salesman told me “this car will hold five people without any problems”.

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find five people without any problems.”

[jon-nyc]

Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.

But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.

[LuFins Dad]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.

But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.

Nice... Saving that one for the right occasion...

[LuFins Dad]

@jon-nyc said in So....:

Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.

But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.

Stolen

[George K]

@lufins-dad said in So....:

Stolen

Again....

[jon-nyc]

Officer: What’s that in the bottle?

Me: Oh that’s just water.

Officer: No it isn’t, it’s wine.

Me: OMG. Jesus did it again!