So....
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 02:59 last edited by
My neighbor accidentally shot his wife through her nipple.
Tore her kneecap plumb off....
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 03:02 last edited by
So.. I was in a bar last night when the bartender shouted "Anyone here know CPR?"
I shouted "I do!! In fact, I know the whole alphabet!!"Everybody in the place laughed... except for this one guy.....
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 03:08 last edited by
So I told my wife about seeing a man get thrown under a bus today.
She said "oh my! Was it moving?"
I said "a few people cried, but I was ok.."
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wrote on 4 Dec 2020, 03:11 last edited by
So.. I won a million dollars in the lottery today.
I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $999,999.75....
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wrote on 13 Dec 2020, 04:46 last edited by
People need to understand that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" was written in a different time even if the idea of being at someone else's house is shocking to us today.
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wrote on 13 Dec 2020, 15:16 last edited by
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
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wrote on 13 Dec 2020, 18:44 last edited by Larry
My cousin quit his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic.
He said he hadn't had a raise in years...
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wrote on 14 Dec 2020, 16:55 last edited by
Husband: My but you’re beautiful
Waitress: why thank you sir.
Wife: Why don’t you tell her about your erectile dysfunction, Jim?
Husband: Of course, where are my manners? Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction, her name is Margaret.
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wrote on 15 Dec 2020, 18:47 last edited by
Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear.
Me: Sure, I’ll have a beer.
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wrote on 16 Dec 2020, 00:19 last edited by
When I’m with my Spanish speaking friends I like to say “mucho”.
It means a lot to them.
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wrote on 16 Dec 2020, 22:47 last edited by
I used to have a masturbation addiction but I had to stop.
It was getting out of hand...
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wrote on 16 Dec 2020, 22:56 last edited by
I do my best thinking after sex...
I came to realize.
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wrote on 18 Dec 2020, 22:33 last edited by
I bought a new porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of a fat guy holding his dong.
Then I realized the TV wasn't on.
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wrote on 18 Dec 2020, 23:20 last edited by
I went to a child psychologist.
He was 7 years old......
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wrote on 21 Dec 2020, 11:47 last edited by jon-nyc
The car salesman told me “this car will hold five people without any problems”.
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find five people without any problems.”
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wrote on 21 Dec 2020, 19:21 last edited by
Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.
Only non-witches get due process.
- Cotton Mather, Salem Massachusetts, 1692
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Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.
wrote on 21 Dec 2020, 20:49 last edited by -
Go to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.
wrote on 21 Dec 2020, 20:49 last edited byGo to the animal shelter to get a dog and you're a saint.
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody loses their mind.
Stolen
The Brad
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wrote on 21 Dec 2020, 21:45 last edited by
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wrote on 23 Dec 2020, 02:11 last edited by
Officer: What’s that in the bottle?
Me: Oh that’s just water.
Officer: No it isn’t, it’s wine.
Me: OMG. Jesus did it again!
