So....

[jon-nyc]

I just heard something suspicious outside and caught some asshole siphoning gas into my car.

[mark]

@jon-nyc lol

[Larry]

[Larry]

So... I feel like I'm 16 again...

Gas is cheap..
I can't get into a bar or drink..
And I'm grounded...

[Larry]

So.. the Catholic church just released a new aftershave...

Eau My God.....

[Larry]

So.. my grandfather was in the army until he ate all the rations...

He was shot for desserting ...

[Larry]

Did you know that when you say the word "poop" your mouth moves the same way your butthole moves?

The same goes for "explosive diahrrea"....

[jon-nyc]

If after the lockdown you were given 2 options:

Fly with your wife to a dream destination or have a BBQ with the guys, what would you choose?

1. Rare,
2. Medium rare or
3. Medium?

[Larry]

So.. in this difficult time we should all endeavor to lend a helping hand to others when we can. Just today I helped my neighbor bury a large rug in the woods behind her house.

Her husband would have helped, but he's out of town.....

[Larry]

My wife said she's leaving me because she's sick and tired of my "weird sexual fetishes"..

So I said "oh yeah? Well just slam the door on my pecker when you leave!!"

[Larry]

I don't trust people who have fruit fetishes..

They usually come in pears....

[jon-nyc]

Since hockey has been canceled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver.

But don’t worry. He’ll resurface eventually.

[Larry]

So.. the world's oldest man died today....

Why does this keep happening?.....

[Larry]

I've figured out why so many old women have so many cats..

It's called many paws.....

[Improviso]

So...

[Larry]

Last night my wife met me at the front door wearing nothing but a tiny little see through nightie.

Unfortunately, she was the one coming home....

[Larry]

Knock knock.....

Who's there?

Grandpa.

Shit...... Stop the funeral!!

[Larry]

So.. I booked a flight today and the girl said "window or aisle?"

I said "Window or you'll what?"

[Larry]

So.. the feminist picnic was a total disaster...

None of them were willing to make sammiches...

[Larry]

This quarantine stay at home thing is apparently putting a real strain on many marriages.

But I'm happy to report that mine is going strong.. just this morning I woke up to find my wife holding a pillow tightly over my face... she was just trying to protect me from the virus..