So....
-
In my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call’.
-
Due to covid, only 6 people can gather for thanksgiving dinner. But 30 people can come to a funeral.
So..... services will be held for our pet Turkey Butterball who will pass away november 24th, the services will be held on thanksgiving day.
Refreshments will be provided.
In lieu of flowers we asked that you bring a side dish...
-
-
I had 7 women ask me out today.
I should accidentally walk into the women’s room more often.
-
Me: Be kind, you never know what other people are going through.
Also me: Nice turn signal, fuck face.
-
-
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
"Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: "Who fucked up your hair
-
We just found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than my grandmother.
-
-
My Korean friend died today...
Soh Yung...
It’s tough to lose a Seoul mate...
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who gave birth to a black baby?
They named it Sum Ting Wong...
Ho Lee Fuk
I remember him. I sold him a baby grand for his daughter Yu Wan......
-
Not to brag or anything, but every time I go to the store the cashiers check me out.
-
I was this close to buying a Bugatti Veyon but no cup holder is a total dealbreaker so I got my Corolla instead.
-
If I had $.50 for every math exam I ever failed, I’d have $8.40
