So....
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wrote on 29 Oct 2020, 00:28 last edited by
Apparently my family is racist.
I introduced them to my black girlfriend and they all started yelling at us. Especially my wife.
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wrote on 31 Oct 2020, 02:24 last edited by
Three cops kicked in my door with guns drawn and yelled "Come out with your hands up!"
So I threw my arms in the air and yelled "I'M GAY!".
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wrote on 3 Nov 2020, 16:57 last edited by jon-nyc 11 Mar 2020, 16:58
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your date of birth online and you have to spin the birth year thingy like it’s the fucking wheel of fortune.
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wrote on 6 Nov 2020, 02:22 last edited by
I saw a flying saucer last night.
It appeared right after the coffee cup my wife threw at me....
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wrote on 6 Nov 2020, 02:23 last edited by
I just released a new fragrance.
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Nobody in the car liked it, though... -
wrote on 10 Nov 2020, 12:24 last edited by
I named my new car Elizabeth Warren.
It's white, but it says it's a Cherokee....
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wrote on 10 Nov 2020, 12:37 last edited by
Lol
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wrote on 13 Nov 2020, 16:07 last edited by
“Fuck off” spelled backwards is just “fuck off” in an Irish accent.
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wrote on 13 Nov 2020, 20:47 last edited by
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wrote on 20 Nov 2020, 02:21 last edited by
In my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call’.
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wrote on 20 Nov 2020, 02:35 last edited by
Due to covid, only 6 people can gather for thanksgiving dinner. But 30 people can come to a funeral.
So..... services will be held for our pet Turkey Butterball who will pass away november 24th, the services will be held on thanksgiving day.
Refreshments will be provided.
In lieu of flowers we asked that you bring a side dish...
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In my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call’.
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wrote on 21 Nov 2020, 00:32 last edited by
I had 7 women ask me out today.
I should accidentally walk into the women’s room more often.
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wrote on 21 Nov 2020, 02:10 last edited by
Me: Be kind, you never know what other people are going through.
Also me: Nice turn signal, fuck face.
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wrote on 24 Nov 2020, 20:44 last edited by
My Korean friend died today...
Soh Yung...
It’s tough to lose a Seoul mate...
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wrote on 28 Nov 2020, 00:33 last edited by
So today my wife said "every morning before he leaves the house for work, our neighbor makes love to his wife. Why can't you do that?"
I said "well, if you insist.. But I don't really know the woman all that much....."
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 03:19 last edited by
Due to Covid the 7 Dwarfs have been told that they cannot get together as a group this Christmas.
One of them is not Happy.....
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 03:21 last edited by
So the interviewer says...
"Sir, can you perform under pressure?"I said "No, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody ....."
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wrote on 29 Nov 2020, 10:36 last edited by
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
"Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: "Who fucked up your hair
