So....
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wrote on 25 Oct 2020, 12:25 last edited by
The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you, sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Billings, Montana."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."
"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
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Death
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Taxes
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Being screwed by a lawyer
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wrote on 25 Oct 2020, 15:39 last edited by
A little town out west. Only two sources of entertainment- a saloon, and a who're house. Every Saturday morning like clockwork, Bug Eyed John would come into town, and go into the saloon at precisely 10am. He would drink until 12 noon, and then stagger out of the saloon drunk, and stagger down the street to the who're house. He would arrive at precisely 12:05, go up to the madam and ask to spend some time with Sally, a certain girl who worked there. And every Saturday at 12:06, the madam would throw him out. He would then stagger off back into the desert, and no one would see him again until the next Saturday.
One year New Year's Eve landed on a Friday night and there was a huge party at the who're house. Saturday morning cam, the madam woke up in the living room on the floor. She had a terrible hangover. She looked at the mess left from the party, thought about how hard it would be to clean up with her head hurting so bad, then noticed that it was 12 noon. "Oh shit" she thought.. that drunk will be here in 5 minutes and I just don't feel like dealing with him today..."
Then she noticed a blow up doll laying on the couch, and had an idea. She grabbed the blowup doll, found a bicycle pump, and ran upstairs into a bedroom, pumped the doll up until it was about to burst, then stuffed it into the bed under the covers. Then she went downstairs to wait for the drunk. He staggered in the door and asked to spend some time with Sally. The madam said "ok. First door on the left, top of the stairs." He was accustomed to being thrown out, so he was so happy as he climbed the stairs,
After about a minute he came staggering down the stairs and headed toward the door. The madam said, " Well, how was it?" The drunk said "Boy, I knew if I ever got my hands on Sally she'd be a wild One! I slung back the covers, pinched her on the titty, and she farted and flew right out the window!"
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wrote on 26 Oct 2020, 21:04 last edited by
A man walked into the Women's Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleswoman, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look, the salesclerk asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated. "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleswoman. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man inquired, "Well, what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "It's all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the Masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen; and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He pondered that information for a moment, then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
She replied, "They make mountains out of molehills."
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wrote on 27 Oct 2020, 20:18 last edited by
So the other night I just suddenly stopped cold during sex.
My girlfriend asked what was up.
I said “Shhh, baby, I saw this on Pornhub. It’s called buffering”.
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wrote on 27 Oct 2020, 21:01 last edited by
55555
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wrote on 29 Oct 2020, 00:28 last edited by
Apparently my family is racist.
I introduced them to my black girlfriend and they all started yelling at us. Especially my wife.
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wrote on 31 Oct 2020, 02:24 last edited by
Three cops kicked in my door with guns drawn and yelled "Come out with your hands up!"
So I threw my arms in the air and yelled "I'M GAY!".
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wrote on 3 Nov 2020, 16:57 last edited by jon-nyc 11 Mar 2020, 16:58
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your date of birth online and you have to spin the birth year thingy like it’s the fucking wheel of fortune.
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wrote on 6 Nov 2020, 02:22 last edited by
I saw a flying saucer last night.
It appeared right after the coffee cup my wife threw at me....
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wrote on 6 Nov 2020, 02:23 last edited by
I just released a new fragrance.
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Nobody in the car liked it, though... -
wrote on 10 Nov 2020, 12:24 last edited by
I named my new car Elizabeth Warren.
It's white, but it says it's a Cherokee....
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wrote on 10 Nov 2020, 12:37 last edited by
Lol
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wrote on 13 Nov 2020, 16:07 last edited by
“Fuck off” spelled backwards is just “fuck off” in an Irish accent.
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wrote on 13 Nov 2020, 20:47 last edited by
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wrote on 20 Nov 2020, 02:21 last edited by
In my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call’.
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wrote on 20 Nov 2020, 02:35 last edited by
Due to covid, only 6 people can gather for thanksgiving dinner. But 30 people can come to a funeral.
So..... services will be held for our pet Turkey Butterball who will pass away november 24th, the services will be held on thanksgiving day.
Refreshments will be provided.
In lieu of flowers we asked that you bring a side dish...
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In my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call’.
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wrote on 21 Nov 2020, 00:32 last edited by
I had 7 women ask me out today.
I should accidentally walk into the women’s room more often.
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wrote on 21 Nov 2020, 02:10 last edited by
Me: Be kind, you never know what other people are going through.
Also me: Nice turn signal, fuck face.
