So....
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wrote on 15 Sept 2020, 20:35 last edited by
Then a bakery...
Bread Pitt
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wrote on 16 Sept 2020, 20:01 last edited by
No, you haven't gained that much weight during quarantine. Come on - chin up!
..... No, the other one....
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wrote on 16 Sept 2020, 20:17 last edited by
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 13:39 last edited by
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's.
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" says the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 23:05 last edited by
I finally asked this girl I’m dating how she liked sex.
She said “I like it infrequently”.
So I said, “Is that one word or two?”
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 23:45 last edited by
So... Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open..
17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from.....
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wrote on 18 Sept 2020, 23:46 last edited by
If a prostitute in a cat house has a baby, is it called a brothel sprout?
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wrote on 20 Sept 2020, 17:43 last edited by
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He was a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. And, he never, ever forgot to put the seat down. He wasn't like me,” he continued. “I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy, then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I made the mistake of marrying his widow.”
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 02:57 last edited by
So.. today, Joe Biden said "If you thought the Republican convention was exciting, just wait until we have ours!"
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 16:49 last edited by
So... I tried to remarry my ex wife once..
But she figured out that I was only after my money....
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 16:50 last edited by
What do you get a man who has everything?
A woman.
She'll tell him how everything works....
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 16:52 last edited by
My wife told me she needed more space.
So... I locked her out of the house...
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 16:53 last edited by
THE THREE UNWRITTEN RULES ABOUT MARRIAGE:
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 16:56 last edited by
"Mr. Smith, I'm calling to tell you that your wife is in the hospital. I'm sorry, but she's critical."
"Damn... what's she complaining about this time?"....
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 17:00 last edited by
"My wife and I had a huge fight the other night, but in the end she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"Wow.. that's impressive! What did she say?"
"Get out from under that bed, you cowardly son of a bitch!".....
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 17:02 last edited by
So.. I asked my wife why brides at weddings were always dressed in white.
She said "Because she's happy. It's the happiest day of her life."
So I said "is that why the groom is always dressed in black?"
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wrote on 21 Sept 2020, 17:05 last edited by
I got so pissed off at my car's GPS system the other day that I yelled at it and told it to go to hell
2 hours later I pulled up in front of my mother in law's house....
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wrote on 24 Sept 2020, 10:54 last edited by
God said unto John, “Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.”
But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
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wrote on 24 Sept 2020, 17:57 last edited by
So... times are A little hard right now so I will be selling nude photos of myself to make some extra money.
5 dollars each if you want one.
25 dollars if you don't...
