So....

[jon-nyc]

Magic Johnson wasted the worlds best porn name on a basketball career.

[Larry]

I've had a really strange day today..

First, I found a hat full of money.

Then I got chased by some guy with a guitar..

[jon-nyc]

They laughed at my pencil drawings.

So I laughed at their chalk outlines...

[jon-nyc]

“That’s what.”
-she

[jon-nyc]

I googled "who gives a shit".

My name wasn't in the search results.

[jon-nyc]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said: “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 190 pounds, is soft-spoken and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbor protested: “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied: “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

[Larry]

So...my doctor says I have Irish constipation...

I can't pass a bar..

[Larry]

My wife said "I don't like your constipation jokes"..

I told her I didn't give a shit..

[Larry]

So.. I went to a feminist rally the other day.

Came back with my shirt ironed, carrying a sammich.

[Larry]

Stress is when you have a house payment, a boat payment, a wife, and a girlfriend...... and all 4 of them are late....

[Larry]

"I went to a petting zoo the other day."

That was an elementary school, Joe...."

[Larry]

"Momma always said, 'life is like a box of... you know... the thing......' "

Forrest Biden

[jon-nyc]

I just watched Jaws backwards.

It’s a heartwarming story about a shark who gives limbs to the disabled.

[Larry]

So.... I'm going to open a flower shop. I'm going to call it....

Florist Gump...

[Larry]

Then a bakery...

Bread Pitt

[Larry]

No, you haven't gained that much weight during quarantine. Come on - chin up!

..... No, the other one....

[George K]

@Larry said in So....:

Then a bakery...

Bread Pitt

[Larry]

[George K]

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's.

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" says the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

[jon-nyc]

I finally asked this girl I’m dating how she liked sex.

She said “I like it infrequently”.

So I said, “Is that one word or two?”