So....

jon-nyc · wrote on 27 Aug 2020, 16:20

Life lesson #843.

"Analogy" is NOT the study of buttholes.

Larry · wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:05

So.. my wife yelled down from upstairs and asked "do you ever get shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?

I said "Nope."

She said "......How about now?........"

Larry · wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:19

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Larry · 9 Jul 2020, 13:26

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom just as his grandma was getting out of the shower. He pointed and said "Grandma, what's that?" His grandma says "Little Johnny, that's my beaver."

The next day little Johnny walked into the bathroom just as his mother was getting out of the shower. He points and says "Mommy, that's your beaver!"

His mother says "That's correct Johnny. How did you know?"

Little Johnny says "Because grandma has one too!...... But I think here's is dead, because its tongue is hanging out...."

Larry · wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:31

So..,

Joe Biden goes to the doctor and says "I seem to be losing my memory."

The doctor says "How long has this been going on?"

Biden says "How long has what been going on?"

Larry · wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:32

The doctor says "You know... the thing...."

Larry · wrote on 2 Sept 2020, 16:33

Two cheese trucks run into each other.

De brie was everywhere...

jon-nyc · wrote on 4 Sept 2020, 14:44

Magic Johnson wasted the worlds best porn name on a basketball career.

Larry · wrote on 4 Sept 2020, 15:27

I've had a really strange day today..

First, I found a hat full of money.

Then I got chased by some guy with a guitar..

jon-nyc · wrote on 5 Sept 2020, 10:55

They laughed at my pencil drawings.

So I laughed at their chalk outlines...

jon-nyc · 9 Jul 2020, 11:09

“That’s what.”
-she

jon-nyc · wrote on 8 Sept 2020, 19:33

I googled "who gives a shit".

My name wasn't in the search results.

jon-nyc · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 15:36

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said: “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 190 pounds, is soft-spoken and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbor protested: “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied: “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

Larry · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:05

So...my doctor says I have Irish constipation...

I can't pass a bar..

Larry · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:06

My wife said "I don't like your constipation jokes"..

I told her I didn't give a shit..

Larry · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:09

So.. I went to a feminist rally the other day.

Came back with my shirt ironed, carrying a sammich.

Larry · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 18:20

Stress is when you have a house payment, a boat payment, a wife, and a girlfriend...... and all 4 of them are late....

Larry · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 19:02

"I went to a petting zoo the other day."

That was an elementary school, Joe...."

Larry · wrote on 10 Sept 2020, 19:05

"Momma always said, 'life is like a box of... you know... the thing......' "

Forrest Biden

jon-nyc · wrote on 14 Sept 2020, 16:12

I just watched Jaws backwards.

It’s a heartwarming story about a shark who gives limbs to the disabled.

The New Coffee Room

So....