So....

[jon-nyc]

I wonder if my recorded call has ever been used for training or quality control purposes.

[jon-nyc]

My wife asked me where I’d like to be buried.

Apparently ‘balls deep in your sister’ wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

[jon-nyc]

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mom and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er...read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

[jon-nyc]

They say alcohol won’t solve your problems.

As if water will. At least alcohol tries.

[jon-nyc]

When I’m bored I go to Walmart and enter one of the fitting rooms.

After about 5 or so minutes I scream “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”

[jon-nyc]

I spent the last 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriend's bra off.

I'm starting to think I shouldn't have tried it on in the first place.

[jon-nyc]

Picked up a girl at the pub last night and took her home. In the morning she said, “You know, you are by far the biggest I’ve ever had.”

Apparently, “Ditto” is NOT the answer she wanted to hear.

[jon-nyc]

There is a lot of Oscar buzz about Jessie Buckley but it must have been weirdly tempting to cast Anne Hathaway in the lead role of Hamnet.

[jon-nyc]

Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.

[jon-nyc]

I once heard a woman use the word ‘mansplaining’ incorrectly and there was literally nothing I could do about it.

[jon-nyc]

Why is it always “are you autistic” and never “thanks for sharing your cool tornado facts with me even though I didn’t ask”?

[jon-nyc]

Roman numeral puns are great and I for one will continue to make them.

[taiwan_girl]

@jon-nyc took me a while, but I did finally get it. 555

[jon-nyc]

I’m at the airport and a woman fainted at baggage claim and fell onto the carousel.

But she’s slowly coming around now.

[jon-nyc]

After a fair bit of drinking I decided to take a bus home. It probably sounds like it’s not a big deal but I’ve never actually driven a bus before.

[jon-nyc]

Trojan is a terrible name for a condom.

It’s basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, broke open, thousands of little guys poured out, and ruined everyone’s lives.

[jon-nyc]

If I win the lottery I’m giving a bunch of money to charity.

Unless she’s not dancing that night in which case I’ll give it to Destiny.

[jon-nyc]

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

[Mik]

You have a great team inside behind you.

[Andrea B]

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”

Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The first eez that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora, the gardener.