So....

[jon-nyc]

I was holding a bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing when my niece asked me who Paul Newman was. I told her he was an actor, basically the Brad Pitt of my mom’s generation. Then she hit me with, “Who’s Brad Pitt?”

If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center eating applesauce.

[jon-nyc]

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who’s the better cyclist.

[Doctor Phibes]

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[jon-nyc]

Due to the really bad weather, I decided to ask my 83 year old neighbor if she needed anything from the grocery store. Turns out she did.

So I gave her my list. No point in both of us going out in this cold.

[jon-nyc]

I wonder if my recorded call has ever been used for training or quality control purposes.

[jon-nyc]

My wife asked me where I’d like to be buried.

Apparently ‘balls deep in your sister’ wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

[jon-nyc]

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mom and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er...read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

[jon-nyc]

They say alcohol won’t solve your problems.

As if water will. At least alcohol tries.

[jon-nyc]

When I’m bored I go to Walmart and enter one of the fitting rooms.

After about 5 or so minutes I scream “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”

[jon-nyc]

I spent the last 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriend's bra off.

I'm starting to think I shouldn't have tried it on in the first place.

[jon-nyc]

Picked up a girl at the pub last night and took her home. In the morning she said, “You know, you are by far the biggest I’ve ever had.”

Apparently, “Ditto” is NOT the answer she wanted to hear.

[jon-nyc]

There is a lot of Oscar buzz about Jessie Buckley but it must have been weirdly tempting to cast Anne Hathaway in the lead role of Hamnet.

[jon-nyc]

Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.