What would you do? Go to the funeral?
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@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 08:47 last edited by@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly.
This. I agree with those who regard your attendance as a risk to you and others. Your greater obligation is to the living.
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 10:19 last edited by
Aqua, I would hope your wife understands you should not attend. You should not share your potentially contagious illness, nor should you risk acquiring one while there. You are already compromised with asthma and a current illness that you have not finished conquering. Getting covid, the flu, or a bacterial infection of the lungs at the event could put you in the hospital.
Stay away from the funeral for the sake of other attendees, your wife and child, and yourself. Your wife and child need you to get better and stay healthy. There will be covid and the flu shared there by others. This is the virus season, and people are already sharing. Your wife may pick up one there, too, so give her a few days to see if she did.
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 12:37 last edited by
I’m sorry Aqua. My condolences to your family.
I dealt with a MIL illness-> death->funeral last year. I’m still worried for myself. I haven’t got Covid, the flu, or RSV yet. I mask, use a lot of sanitizer, avoid crowds & crowding. My risk may not be as high as yours, but I distance from immediate family because they are 1 on 1 exposed to full-on Covid people & the Covid-exposed daily. They’ve been sick. Thank goodness I’m not a young mom with school aged kids.
I’d say your plan for a private viewing (perhaps alongside your wife) with a quick exit & the outside graveside is okay. -
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 13:01 last edited by@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
A private viewing is more than enough. Sign the book, pay your respects. The wife can then mention to the rest of the family (as she wishes) that my husband is sick, but he made an extra effort to come see Dad one last time. He's very sorry he couldn't stay for the funeral.
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 13:17 last edited by
@George-K George, et al, may have spoken about it here, but what I’ve been hearing, is of how this year, this winter is to be the worst ever for kids and kids’ families. One observation is the incidence of co-infections (Covid/RSV/flu occurring at the same time). Those infected like this are sicker. This is why hospitals, particularly pediatric hospitals, have become overcrowded petri-dishes, with patients and their exposures.
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 13:19 last edited by Mik 12 Jun 2022, 13:20
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
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Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 13:35 last edited by@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
Yup, so succinct. N95. Hands in pockets. Touch nothing (pen, the book). Look out for yourself. You’ve risk factors.
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 13:52 last edited by
Condolences to you and your spouse.
I concur with the others here, in your situation private viewing and graveside attendance is the best solution.
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wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 14:09 last edited by
My condolences as well. I think that you and Jolly have a pretty good plan later out.
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Condolences to you and your spouse.
I concur with the others here, in your situation private viewing and graveside attendance is the best solution.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 14:37 last edited by@Renauda said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Condolences to you and your spouse.
I concur with the others here, in your situation private viewing and graveside attendance is the best solution.
Seems to be the way to go. Thanks a lot, everybody. (Part of the problem is that I'm stupid when it comes to my own health and suck at looking after myself. Gut-checks are helpful.)
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@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
A private viewing is more than enough. Sign the book, pay your respects. The wife can then mention to the rest of the family (as she wishes) that my husband is sick, but he made an extra effort to come see Dad one last time. He's very sorry he couldn't stay for the funeral.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 16:35 last edited by@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
A private viewing is more than enough. Sign the book, pay your respects. The wife can then mention to the rest of the family (as she wishes) that my husband is sick, but he made an extra effort to come see Dad one last time. He's very sorry he couldn't stay for the funeral.
Good option. You can protect yourself, do the private visitation with your wife, and not attend the funeral.
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Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 16:47 last edited by@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
That would be my counsel. We just buried my FIL a couple of weeks ago. They make time for private viewing for the family - and it's a relatively short time - typically 15-30 minutes and you wouldn't need to be present that whole time.
They did a mass for FIL. Again, you could sit in the back 40 for that and avoid human contact. Lastly, they did a graveside ceremony with approximately 30 people present - if outdoors, you're good.
Most important is making sure wife knows she's supported. There will be people coming up to her for the whole wake part of things - and while it's nice if you're there, she'll have a lot of distractions from others so less vital that you be there. The bad news is she's getting exposed to a lot of people who could make her sick.
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@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
That would be my counsel. We just buried my FIL a couple of weeks ago. They make time for private viewing for the family - and it's a relatively short time - typically 15-30 minutes and you wouldn't need to be present that whole time.
They did a mass for FIL. Again, you could sit in the back 40 for that and avoid human contact. Lastly, they did a graveside ceremony with approximately 30 people present - if outdoors, you're good.
Most important is making sure wife knows she's supported. There will be people coming up to her for the whole wake part of things - and while it's nice if you're there, she'll have a lot of distractions from others so less vital that you be there. The bad news is she's getting exposed to a lot of people who could make her sick.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 18:04 last edited by@kluurs said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Most important is making sure wife knows she's supported.
Words of wisdom here.
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@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
That would be my counsel. We just buried my FIL a couple of weeks ago. They make time for private viewing for the family - and it's a relatively short time - typically 15-30 minutes and you wouldn't need to be present that whole time.
They did a mass for FIL. Again, you could sit in the back 40 for that and avoid human contact. Lastly, they did a graveside ceremony with approximately 30 people present - if outdoors, you're good.
Most important is making sure wife knows she's supported. There will be people coming up to her for the whole wake part of things - and while it's nice if you're there, she'll have a lot of distractions from others so less vital that you be there. The bad news is she's getting exposed to a lot of people who could make her sick.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 18:05 last edited by@kluurs said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
We just buried my FIL a couple of weeks ago.
Ahh man, I'm sorry to hear that.
And yeah, you make some good points. I think that's a pretty reasonable plan, all things considered. -
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 18:19 last edited by Mik 12 Jun 2022, 18:20
Aqua, I did find at my MIL's visitation that I was extraneous. MFR and her siblings were the center as they should be. I did tell her in advance I would be keeping my distance.
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Aqua, I did find at my MIL's visitation that I was extraneous. MFR and her siblings were the center as they should be. I did tell her in advance I would be keeping my distance.
wrote on 6 Dec 2022, 20:49 last edited by@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Aqua, I did find at my MIL's visitation that I was extraneous. MFR and her siblings were the center as they should be. I did tell her in advance I would be keeping my distance.
Thanks, Mik. I'm hoping that's also the case with my in-laws.