What would you do? Go to the funeral?
-
I’m sorry for your loss. I will share with you that my MIL’s funeral events in August were superspreaders.
@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
I’m sorry for your loss.
Thanks, Mik and everybody. We had a good visit with him over Thanksgiving, after which he really took a turn. So it's good we were able to see him then. He was also dealing with a lot, so it's partly a relief he's not agonizing over anything now.
-
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Funeral or cremation?
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd. Or talk to your funeral director, and see if you can slip in for a short private viewing before the rest of the family.
If it's a cremation, I'm not sure what you can do and remain safe for all. Bound to be something. Got to be some way you can be seen to be making an effort, even if you're not entirely well.
-
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Funeral or cremation?
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd. Or talk to your funeral director, and see if you can slip in for a short private viewing before the rest of the family.
If it's a cremation, I'm not sure what you can do and remain safe for all. Bound to be something. Got to be some way you can be seen to be making an effort, even if you're not entirely well.
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
Please love yourself.
-
What’s your wife think? If she wants you to go, you could wear a mask and mostly stay away from the crowd, even if it’s awkwardly sitting in your car or standing outside the building at times. I would hope most would understand and appreciate it. I’d she’s cool with you skipping or an alternate viewing or form of respect, then there you go.
-
Condolences Aqua.
See how you feel the day of. Or the day you have to leave. Don't feel too bad if you stay home. You had your time with him before he died. Personally, I would lean towards not going.
Not sure how your wife's family would take this, but my family has face-timed big events like funerals and milestone birthdays.
-
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly.
This. I agree with those who regard your attendance as a risk to you and others. Your greater obligation is to the living.
-
Aqua, I would hope your wife understands you should not attend. You should not share your potentially contagious illness, nor should you risk acquiring one while there. You are already compromised with asthma and a current illness that you have not finished conquering. Getting covid, the flu, or a bacterial infection of the lungs at the event could put you in the hospital.
Stay away from the funeral for the sake of other attendees, your wife and child, and yourself. Your wife and child need you to get better and stay healthy. There will be covid and the flu shared there by others. This is the virus season, and people are already sharing. Your wife may pick up one there, too, so give her a few days to see if she did.
-
I’m sorry Aqua. My condolences to your family.
I dealt with a MIL illness-> death->funeral last year. I’m still worried for myself. I haven’t got Covid, the flu, or RSV yet. I mask, use a lot of sanitizer, avoid crowds & crowding. My risk may not be as high as yours, but I distance from immediate family because they are 1 on 1 exposed to full-on Covid people & the Covid-exposed daily. They’ve been sick. Thank goodness I’m not a young mom with school aged kids.
I’d say your plan for a private viewing (perhaps alongside your wife) with a quick exit & the outside graveside is okay. -
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
A private viewing is more than enough. Sign the book, pay your respects. The wife can then mention to the rest of the family (as she wishes) that my husband is sick, but he made an extra effort to come see Dad one last time. He's very sorry he couldn't stay for the funeral.
“Cry havoc and let slip the DOGE of war!”
Those who cheered as J-6 American prisoners were locked in solitary for 18 months without trial, now suddenly fight tooth and nail for foreign terrorists’ "due process". — Buck Sexton
-
@George-K George, et al, may have spoken about it here, but what I’ve been hearing, is of how this year, this winter is to be the worst ever for kids and kids’ families. One observation is the incidence of co-infections (Covid/RSV/flu occurring at the same time). Those infected like this are sicker. This is why hospitals, particularly pediatric hospitals, have become overcrowded petri-dishes, with patients and their exposures.
-
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” ~Winston S. Churchill
-
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
Yup, so succinct. N95. Hands in pockets. Touch nothing (pen, the book). Look out for yourself. You’ve risk factors.
-
My condolences as well. I think that you and Jolly have a pretty good plan later out.
-
Condolences to you and your spouse.
I concur with the others here, in your situation private viewing and graveside attendance is the best solution.
@Renauda said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Condolences to you and your spouse.
I concur with the others here, in your situation private viewing and graveside attendance is the best solution.
Seems to be the way to go. Thanks a lot, everybody. (Part of the problem is that I'm stupid when it comes to my own health and suck at looking after myself. Gut-checks are helpful.)
-
@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
A private viewing is more than enough. Sign the book, pay your respects. The wife can then mention to the rest of the family (as she wishes) that my husband is sick, but he made an extra effort to come see Dad one last time. He's very sorry he couldn't stay for the funeral.
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Aqua-Letifer said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
@Jolly said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
It's your FIL. There are obligations that must be met.
Well, there are obligations to my wife, obligations to my FIL, and obligations to the family more broadly. Which of these in particular you're referring to will have a direct effect on the level of my blood pressure. Which means I'm likely not a very good judge of what I should or should not do, and why I'm asking about it.
I'm ever-so-slightly getting better, I think, but it's been a month and cold air still fucks me up pretty bad in terms of coughing fits. If it's something like bronchitis, it's not the longest stretch of it I've had, but it's still hanging on.
Funeral or cremation?
Funeral. Also, he was a Vietnam vet, so honoring that will be part of the proceedings.
If funeral with burial, I assume y'all do a short committal at graveside. You might could do that one and stay a safe distance from the crowd.
Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the funeral itself. Or at least, things near the gravesite. I'm okay with trying to meet people halfway here. (Not that it'll be seen as such but ah well.)
The biggest problem is with the viewing, which is indoors, and any part of the funeral that also happens indoors.
My idea is to try to do viewing stuff privately, between the morning and afternoon one. Then do as much as I can funeral-wise, barring the stuff indoors. But that's just an idea.
A private viewing is more than enough. Sign the book, pay your respects. The wife can then mention to the rest of the family (as she wishes) that my husband is sick, but he made an extra effort to come see Dad one last time. He's very sorry he couldn't stay for the funeral.
Good option. You can protect yourself, do the private visitation with your wife, and not attend the funeral.
-
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
@Mik said in What would you do? Go to the funeral?:
Jolly has it pegged. Private viewing, attend the graveside. Although I think it unlikely that after a month you could be contagious.
That would be my counsel. We just buried my FIL a couple of weeks ago. They make time for private viewing for the family - and it's a relatively short time - typically 15-30 minutes and you wouldn't need to be present that whole time.
They did a mass for FIL. Again, you could sit in the back 40 for that and avoid human contact. Lastly, they did a graveside ceremony with approximately 30 people present - if outdoors, you're good.
Most important is making sure wife knows she's supported. There will be people coming up to her for the whole wake part of things - and while it's nice if you're there, she'll have a lot of distractions from others so less vital that you be there. The bad news is she's getting exposed to a lot of people who could make her sick.
