So....
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Cop: you were going extremely fast
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: But there isn’t any
Me: that’s how far behind I was.
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Me: Welcome to my man cave
Proctologist: Please stop calling it that
DON’T let them eat cake.
- RFK Jr -
My friend Dwayne recently moved to Africa.
I miss Dwayne, down in Africa.
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I ordered a new axe from overseas.
I always thought it would be cool to have a foreign axe sent.
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal--three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
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Jim Mooney had been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS..
He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him..
Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income..
You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”.
“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”.
The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”.
Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”.
The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible..
“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”.
At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it..
The auditor sits there in stunned silence,.
Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”.
Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye, thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet..
So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye..
The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous..
“Want to go again?” asks Jim.
“What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor..
Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”.
The auditor, realizing now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees..
Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk..
The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him..
However, Jim’s attorney shouts out in obvious pain and puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk..
“What’s the matter?” asked the auditor..
“When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”.
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My father was a conjoined twin.
We call his brother my uncle on my father's side.
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Chinese takeout: $12
Tip: $3
Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
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You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.
That's your own asphalt.
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Another wooden ball.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?
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Why did Calpurnia hate to play hide and seek with her husband?
Because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.
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“Dog food lid” spelled backwards is “Dildo of God”
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Had my prostate checked today. The doctor said everything was fine.
I was deeply touched.
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My lesbian friends bought me a gold Timex for my birthday.
I think they got confused when I said, “I wanna watch.”
