Advice
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@Aqua-Letifer Oh the strider bike. We bought a bike (with training wheels) for our kid last May... she started to do well, but then has since gone back to the strider (or balance bike). She cruises around on it so fast, hard to tell her to switch!
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Yep. Once you get to stressed out, there are a million things going through her mind - "I'm not good enough". "You're not good enough". "But I HAVE to be good enough!". "My mom was good enough" and any permutation of these themes you can think of. Things that would never occur to you to ponder. You have to help get her back to, "well, this is OK.".
Indeed, and perhaps I need to force myself to remember once she's at a certain stressed level, and particularly when it comes with blames/insults towards me, NOW is not the time to force the plane in for a landing. Just let the turbulence ride out without fighting it.
Yet even now, I'm not sure how to interact when I see her later. My instinct is to remain upset (which I am) with how she handled things and what she said and for her to realize that. But I'd imagine in her head she's been thinking "I can't believe he said I was complaining about my own choice" or something along those lines.
Good time to practice not forcing the plane in for a landing. I understand that to you the situation is SO FUCKING OBVIOUS, and it feels like a capitulation to just let it go. But it's not. To see it otherwise makes it a win-lose rather than a win-win.
My dad was a challenge to live with at the best of times. One thing his girlfriend shared with me was that when you have to tolerate something you abhor or do something you really don't want to do, think of it as a gift that you are giving her freely as her husband.
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Wow some good nuggets in there!
@brenda First, my hummingbird feeder is up!
Excellent! We finally got ours here a couple days ago, but the metro area has had them for about three weeks already. You are so spoiled having them come to your area so early!
We just got our first sighting today at lunch!
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Why do women never take the bins out, never check the car tyres, water?
That's the most British sentence ever written on this board.
Meh. I can beat that.
Why do women never take the bins out and never check the car tyres, mate?
You're a smart guy. Not sure about the rest.
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I appreciate the reply and the perspectives. The rational vs emotional aspect... I get it, but it's hard for me to apply it to the scenario such as yesterday. We were all going to the baseball practice, then my wife said she wanted to stay home. Ok cool. Then she said she'll go. Ok cool. Wait, it's time to pack up and go? She specifically decided she wanted to go but now she is stressed about where things are (such as the baby carrier or sunscreen), and for her to make statements about "I have to do everything" or "Where is the carrier, you had it last!" or "Why did you get Jimmy Johns after all?", it is hard for me to chalk that up to emotions, although I'm sure it is. For me, it's poor communication. How do I talk to her about shifting those blame/insults to something like "Hey can you help me find the carrier?" and dropping the insults?
Irregardless... (ok just kidding, I know you hate that), I'll try hard to look at the emotions behind these fights. However I know her, it's tough for her to sit down and discuss our egos, our emotions, our trust... We trust each other, we know each other very well, and if I even want to talk about yesterday's fight, she'll just say she doesn't want to talk about it.
The next time your wife gets that way, get her to tell you more. Literally say, “okay, and what else?” (God help you if you say it sarcastically or start to defend yourself. This isn’t about that.) If she gets defensive, she’s either scared about confiding thoughts she feels she shouldn’t have, or doesn’t trust you or both. Gotta get past that shit.
We will see. A great example is we have about 10 thank-you cards to write. She's been wanting to write them for a few weeks. I have offered to just do them. Not in a mean way, but she's made it clear she wants to be there when we write them so that we do it together, she includes her gratitude, etc. Normally this would be fine, but I can guarantee at some point if the thank you cards come up as a topic, she'll make a comment about how I could've just taken charge and written them, even though I specifically am waiting since I know she wants to be involved. Another minor, but clear, example that we are struggling with communication.
Shee-it...You call that fightin'? My wife is part French, part Scot. She can dish it out. Me? I got enough coonass in me, I'd rather fight than eat.
BTW, my wife's nickname is Saint.
We tied up in the hospital, post CABG, day two. You, son, are an amateur.
But don't ever not love your wife. And don't ever not be there, when she really needs you. As she should love you and be there for you.
As for understanding women, I've only been married to this lady for 43 years and we dated four years before we married. I'm still trying to figure her out. Probably never will, as that's half the fun.
