So....
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"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
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So....
Bubba was driving down the road drinking a beer when he spotted a police roadblock up ahead. He thought "oh crap, if I get caught with an open beer I'll be in a lot of trouble."
Suddenly his eyes lit up, and he pulled off to the side of the road, finished drinking the beer, then peeled the label off the bottle and stuck it to his forehead, threw the bottle under his seat, and drove on up to the roadblock.
A police officer looked at him and said "have you been drinking?"
Bubba pointed to his forehead and said "nope! I'm on the patch......"
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
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.This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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Eye doctor: Your test results came in.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Ah, probably not.
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My wife sent me a picture of her in her new jeans and asked if they made her butt look too big.
I tried to say “Noooo” but autocorrect changed it to “Moooo.”
Please send help.
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So....
I was at Walmart buying a boat of dog food. As I stood there, in line, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What? Why else would I be buying dog food?
So, on impulse, I told her, "No, I don't have a dog. I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because the last time I did it, I lost 50 lb before I woke up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of various orifices, and IVs in both arms."
I said, "It's essentially a perfect diet. All you do is load your pockets with kibble, and simply eat one or two when you feel hungry. The food is nutrionally complete, so it works really well, and I'm going to try it again."
I should add that by now, everyone in line is enthralled by my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the ICU because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her, "No! I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass, and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
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So I took the battery out of my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy.
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The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you, sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Billings, Montana."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."
"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
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Death
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Taxes
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Being screwed by a lawyer
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A little town out west. Only two sources of entertainment- a saloon, and a who're house. Every Saturday morning like clockwork, Bug Eyed John would come into town, and go into the saloon at precisely 10am. He would drink until 12 noon, and then stagger out of the saloon drunk, and stagger down the street to the who're house. He would arrive at precisely 12:05, go up to the madam and ask to spend some time with Sally, a certain girl who worked there. And every Saturday at 12:06, the madam would throw him out. He would then stagger off back into the desert, and no one would see him again until the next Saturday.
One year New Year's Eve landed on a Friday night and there was a huge party at the who're house. Saturday morning cam, the madam woke up in the living room on the floor. She had a terrible hangover. She looked at the mess left from the party, thought about how hard it would be to clean up with her head hurting so bad, then noticed that it was 12 noon. "Oh shit" she thought.. that drunk will be here in 5 minutes and I just don't feel like dealing with him today..."
Then she noticed a blow up doll laying on the couch, and had an idea. She grabbed the blowup doll, found a bicycle pump, and ran upstairs into a bedroom, pumped the doll up until it was about to burst, then stuffed it into the bed under the covers. Then she went downstairs to wait for the drunk. He staggered in the door and asked to spend some time with Sally. The madam said "ok. First door on the left, top of the stairs." He was accustomed to being thrown out, so he was so happy as he climbed the stairs,
After about a minute he came staggering down the stairs and headed toward the door. The madam said, " Well, how was it?" The drunk said "Boy, I knew if I ever got my hands on Sally she'd be a wild One! I slung back the covers, pinched her on the titty, and she farted and flew right out the window!"
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A man walked into the Women's Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleswoman, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look, the salesclerk asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated. "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleswoman. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man inquired, "Well, what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "It's all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the Masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen; and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He pondered that information for a moment, then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
She replied, "They make mountains out of molehills."
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So the other night I just suddenly stopped cold during sex.
My girlfriend asked what was up.
I said “Shhh, baby, I saw this on Pornhub. It’s called buffering”.
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Three cops kicked in my door with guns drawn and yelled "Come out with your hands up!"
So I threw my arms in the air and yelled "I'M GAY!".
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your date of birth online and you have to spin the birth year thingy like it’s the fucking wheel of fortune.
