So....
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A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey.
He takes a sip and then spits it out.
"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
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After a particularly mild winter the small town of Chestermere became infested with squirrels in the spring. Because the local churches had the best trees, the squirrels often congregated (pun intended) near them and this is what each church decided to do about the pesky animals.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a waterslide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
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Lol
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Probably only @bachophile will get this...
There were many doctors flying on a plane to attend a medical convention.
Two anesthesiologists were sitting in the rear of the plane when the flight attendant came on the intercom: “We need some help up here in first class. Please, would an anesthesiologist come up?”
The two docs looked at each other, and then decided the one on the aisle should see about the emergency.
He returned to his seat a few minutes later. His friend asked him what was going on.
The doctor said, “Oh, a surgeon in first class just needed me to adjust his seat.”
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... " - Mik, 6/14/08
The saying, "Lite is just one damn thing after another," is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.
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In 3026 years life will either be fantastic or completely dystopian.
It’s 5050.
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My dad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy.
This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
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The doctor told me my prostate was good.
I was deeply touched.
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My dentist has lots of pictures of teeth and gums in her office.
Luckily my urologist hasn’t really decorated his.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
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I went to an antique auction today.
Four people bid on me.
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Probably only @bachophile will get this...
There were many doctors flying on a plane to attend a medical convention.
Two anesthesiologists were sitting in the rear of the plane when the flight attendant came on the intercom: “We need some help up here in first class. Please, would an anesthesiologist come up?”
The two docs looked at each other, and then decided the one on the aisle should see about the emergency.
He returned to his seat a few minutes later. His friend asked him what was going on.
The doctor said, “Oh, a surgeon in first class just needed me to adjust his seat.”
My version is “adjusting his light” same idea. But general surgeons don’t sit when they operate.
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What did Sir Lancelot say when he first saw Guinevere?
“I’d smite that.”
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The Presidential election of 2024 was too close to call. Neither Donald Trump nor Harris had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. A week-long ice fishing competition seemed to be a sportsmanlike way to settle things, and the candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
After much back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both politicians were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for the day to be counted and verified by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Trump returned to the starting line, and he had 10 fish. Soon, Harris returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed she was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, she would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Trump came in with 20 fish and Harris came in again with none.
That evening, the Democrats got together secretly and said to Harris, we think Trump is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow, don't even bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.
The next night (after Trump returns with 50 fish), the Democrats got together for the report of how the Republicans were cheating.
Harris shook her head and said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice.”
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I love the way Earth rotates.
It totally makes my day.
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I got invited to a party and was told to ‘dress to kill’
Apparently a Keffiyeh, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
