So....
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothin’…
DON’T let them eat cake.
- RFK Jr -
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I asked my wife if I could touch her hair. She said yes, so I ran my finger across her upper lip.
That’s how the fight started…
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
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My cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00, was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for minute, and decided to give her the $300.00, because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response, “so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!”
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So… do you know where I can get a toupee?
Not off the top of my head.
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo near Chicago with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, slipped past the "WARNING-DO NOT ENTER" sign, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Scientists created a supercomputer(this computer should have answered any question), and asked it a question. "Is there a God?" The computer thought a little, buzzed and answered:"Not enough information, connect me to all the other supercomputers on the planet."
Scientists sighed, but there was nothing to do, they connected it. They ask again. "Is there a God?" The computer again thought and buzzed and answers:"Not enough information. Connect me to all computers on the planet."
Scientists had a hard time doing that, but they did connect the supercomputer to every computer on the planet at all. They ask the same question again. The computer buzzes and says:"Not enough information. Connect me to all networks, all devices, processors, etc."
Well, the scientists made every effort, and they did it. They're asking again. "Is there a God?"
Computer:
"There is now"
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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, and Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
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Did you hear about the guy who got a second job as a cook in a pizza joint?
He kneaded the dough.
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So…. I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first few days were the hardest.
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Me: Triple whiskey straight please
Barista: Sir, this is Starbucks
Me: Jesus Christ, ok, Venti Whiskey then.
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ATTENTION! I've decided to get some new pronouns and will announce them whenever I am asked for them. From now on, my pronouns are "that cunt". In case you are unfamiliar with those particular pronouns, here's a helpful guide to how to use them. Please be respectful of them.
"Is Simon at work today?"
"Yes, I saw that cunt in the canteen earier""Where does Simon sit?"
"That cunt is right in front of the reception desk after you come in."
